Twitter is a neverending stream of jokes. Lately, it’s been clogged up with a lot of news and negative stuff, but the jokes are still there. You just have to know where to look. Lucky for you, I know where to find them. That’s why every week I handpick some of the best and bring them here for you. I’m nice like that. Enjoy.
My 7 rules for book writing
2. Have a Frankenstein in it
3. Do not talk about Book Writing
4. Do not talk about Book Writing
5. It should take place on a boat
6. A scene where a guy splits a bullet in half with a sword
7. Have a nice plant on your writing desk
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 15, 2018
Finally the long awaited sequel to Mambo no. 5 pic.twitter.com/wOWRkhpJyT
— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) November 5, 2018
doctor: i'm afraid he may never wake up from his coma
my wife: on his will it says he's left all his updog to you
doctor: what is updog
my wife: i don't know
[my body starts convulsing]
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) November 10, 2018
— Extreme Good Person (@SortaBad) October 24, 2018
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient?
Frog: rib it
Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2015
When your dog dies, he should be contractually obligated to visit you in a dream and tell you he loved you too.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) November 22, 2013
*hits snooze* ok, I have 9 minutes to get my life together before I get up.
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) February 13, 2018
pistachios huh. what’s that like a vegan clam
— everett byram (@rad_milk) November 16, 2018
The first rule of Jean Jacket club is are you kidding me people in jean jackets do not have to follow rules
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) November 12, 2018
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don't recognize it.
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) October 8, 2018
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post. pic.twitter.com/nE6TKV9nyP
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 26, 2016
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) September 19, 2018
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i'm with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you're in a wicker basket
Me: i'm in
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) October 29, 2018
NIXON: What do they call these fucking things?
KISSINGER : Fursona
NIXON: This is a sex thing, right? For pervs?
KISSINGER: I don't know
NIXON: [inaudible]…shit-ass hippies
NIXON: [long pause]…my fursona is a fucking bat
KISSINGER: That's metal
— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) January 12, 2018