I’ve traveled to the farthest reaches of Twitter to bring you the best jokes I could find. Some recent, some old, all hilarious. Every week I’ll bring you this list of Twitter jokes so you can take a load off and forget your troubles. We all deserve some laughter in our lives.
say it ain't so / sweet potatoes
cousin's now goth / hot topic clothes
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 21, 2018
welcome to my very first vlog in which i try different hair products
[i spray hairspray into my mouth]
well, right off the bat i can tell you this one is not very good
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) December 8, 2017
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) May 15, 2017
The Time Person of the Year should be the same every year: the person inside Big Bird, for resisting the urge to kill.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 25, 2017
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
— Angie B (@Angibangie) April 4, 2018
Boss: Playground ideas?
Recently Divorced Hank:
A hot metal jail made from the head of a hamburger man
Boss: first of all I love it
— robotic crab (beep) (@roboticcrab) October 29, 2018
Sign says World's Largest Ravioli. "Where's the filling?" people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) June 30, 2017
It’s scientifically impossible to remember how the Moonraker theme song goes and not just sing “Moonraker” to the tune of Goldfinger
— pixelated still too early for a christmas name (@pixelatedboat) October 19, 2018
YOU: *deals uno cards*
YOU: that’s not possible
ME: *slowly chewing a mouthful of cards* what
— gabby (@gabriellejwhite) October 17, 2018
Me [Thinking about how maybe the zombie apocalypse happened in 99, but our ghosts figured out how to possess our reanimated bodies. That’s why we all feel dead inside. That’s why we all crave sleep]: some weather we’re having huh
— madds (@whatmaddness) October 13, 2018
As a dude, sometimes you just end up in Best Buy. You don’t need anything, you don’t want to be there, and you certainly don’t remember arriving. But you look up, you’re in a Best Buy, and you can’t freak out about it.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 5, 2018
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
— @jack (@egg_dog) September 15, 2018
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
— Turkey Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
I want to submerge my entire body in Elmer's glue then let it dry and shed my form on a jogging trail like a snake skin
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 30, 2017
I wasn’t allowed on a roller coaster because I was too short to ride. Now? I’m 29, 6’2” and lucky enough to call that same roller coaster my wife. Follow your dreams #ShareYourRejection
— Guy Montgomery (@guy_mont) August 17, 2018