Mike
I’ve traveled to the farthest reaches of Twitter to bring you the best jokes I could find. Some recent, some old, all hilarious. Every week I’ll bring you this list of Twitter jokes so you can take a load off and forget your troubles. We all deserve some laughter in our lives.
1.
all the
small things
at thanks-
giving
uncle's
racist
mom's
high
dad's
pissed
say it ain't so / sweet potatoes
cousin's now goth / hot topic clothes— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 21, 2018
2.
welcome to my very first vlog in which i try different hair products
[i spray hairspray into my mouth]
well, right off the bat i can tell you this one is not very good
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) December 8, 2017
3.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) May 15, 2017
4.
The Time Person of the Year should be the same every year: the person inside Big Bird, for resisting the urge to kill.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 25, 2017
5.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
— Angie B (@Angibangie) April 4, 2018
6.
me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019
7.
Sign says World's Largest Ravioli. "Where's the filling?" people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) June 30, 2017
8.
It’s scientifically impossible to remember how the Moonraker theme song goes and not just sing “Moonraker” to the tune of Goldfinger
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) October 19, 2018
9.
YOU: *deals uno cards*
ME: uno
YOU: that’s not possible
ME: *slowly chewing a mouthful of cards* what— gabbyno (@rayromanonews) October 17, 2018
10.
Me [Thinking about how maybe the zombie apocalypse happened in 99, but our ghosts figured out how to possess our reanimated bodies. That’s why we all feel dead inside. That’s why we all crave sleep]: some weather we’re having huh
— madrigal (@whatmaddness) October 13, 2018
11.
As a dude, sometimes you just end up in Best Buy. You don’t need anything, you don’t want to be there, and you certainly don’t remember arriving. But you look up, you’re in a Best Buy, and you can’t freak out about it.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 5, 2018
12.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
— dog big (@egg_dog) September 15, 2018
13.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer— Dr. Bucky Isotope for President (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
14.
I want to submerge my entire body in Elmer's glue then let it dry and shed my form on a jogging trail like a snake skin
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 30, 2017
15.
I wasn’t allowed on a roller coaster because I was too short to ride. Now? I’m 29, 6’2” and lucky enough to call that same roller coaster my wife. Follow your dreams #ShareYourRejection
— Guy Montgomery (@guy_mont) August 17, 2018