You don’t have to be drunk to enjoy these funny tweets, but I can tell you from experience it doesn’t hurt. Twitter jokes are great no matter what state of mind you’re in, I’m just saying why not chase these posts down with something equally fun?
Thinking of all the influencers today out in the cold on 59th and 5th hustling hard to get that shot
— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) December 16, 2018
Alcohol has taught me that when I’m drunk I will walk anywhere. Sober me complains about a 10 min walk but you tell drunk me that I need to walk 2 miles in the pouring rain? BET
— 𝙴𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 (@emgrebz) December 15, 2018
I got a random FaceTime call just now. Answered. IT WAS A BABY. He was playing on his mom’s phone and was typing numbers and CALLED ME. Made my night honestly
— Chris White (@chriswhite522) December 14, 2018
A woman shouted "Rihanna would fucking hate you!" at her friend from across the bar and the friend instantly burst into sobs. This bar already earned its cover charge.
— Ben Philippe (@gohomeben) December 16, 2018
— James Wrighton (@JamesWrighton) December 14, 2018
Back when I worked at petsmart I took this picture of this hamster who literally screamed every time I tried to feed him and omfg I’m crying pic.twitter.com/pGCYd0b9pf
— 🔎🌟 (@dattebanyan) December 15, 2018
me: hello 911
operator: hello what’s ur emergency
me: these men won’t stop laughing
operator: ok yea that’s annoying but not a crime
me: wtf is manslaughter then
— Natalie (@jbfan911) December 13, 2018
Feel you mate. pic.twitter.com/160IlyHoaF
— sahara (@saharaamelie) December 14, 2018
One of the weirder things about being an adult is having a favorite stovetop burner, yet nobody talks about it. pic.twitter.com/M6QWXJ9coy
— Andrew Armstrong (@donfrijole) November 27, 2018
anyone else have trouble getting their cats to pose for their christmas card? pic.twitter.com/uLFBQZoZkw
— Lana Miller (@lannmil) December 12, 2018
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
— Amy (@asamantha321) January 31, 2018
guys really live in apartments like this and don’t see any issue pic.twitter.com/c7FQqgDgov
— kat hasty (@kathasty) December 13, 2018
If I have a medical emergency don’t U DARE call an ambulance y’all better uber my ass to the hospital bc we not about to pay 5,000 for a ride in the wee-yoo wagon
— reesie (@reesxe) December 10, 2018
When I woke up today, I thought I saw a mouse on my floor.
(Without my contacts, I have -9 vision, so I can’t see).
SO. I trap the mouse with a box. I put my contacts in so I can see, only to find out that I did not trap a mouse.
I trapped my hairbrush.
Have a great day.
— Celia Grace Denney (@CeliaDenney) December 12, 2018
recipe: 2 cloves of garlic
me: got it pic.twitter.com/imUsstSnGt
— nicole tersigni (@nicsigni) December 12, 2018