Mike
This week I’m bringing you Twitter jokes right from my brain. Why? Because I’m running this page and I’m drunk on power. Also, they’re objectively good. I’ve found a way to channel my mental illness into humor and I’m passing the benefits on to you!
1.
My fitness goal for 2019 is to be able to fight off up to 3 coyotes. It’s realistic and attainable. 3 or less coyotes, a little cardio and a little weight training, totally doable. 4+ coyotes, you know what you guys worked together and you earned it.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 27, 2018
2.
I don’t need the Santa Tracker. I track Santa year round. You won’t sneak up on me this time you son of a bitch. This year one of us dies.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 13, 2018
3.
Top horse names:
– Hay Arnold
– Watch me Neigh Neigh
– Ginuwine’s Pony
– 4orsepower
– Mr. Clopadopoulos— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 21, 2018
4.
When you do coke by yourself. https://t.co/jZhLxGSjzb
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 15, 2018
5.
I’ve been on Tinder for a week and have decided to join the Night’s Watch.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 3, 2018
6.
By age 25 you should have:
– a Tinder date you ghosted you’re terrified of running into
– at least 10 books you refuse to get rid of but still haven’t read
– depression
– put at least one thing in your butt
– a song that plays on loop in your head when you’re trying to sleep— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 30, 2018
7.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 20, 2012
8.
Trying to make new friends as an adult feels like trying to explain gaps in your resume to a potential employer.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 13, 2018
9.
My favorite rivalry is Spider-Man and Robin Hood competing over who can remake the same movie the most over the last 15 years
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 12, 2018
10.
I wish I had a photographic memory so I could remember people who wronged me on the road. Like, I could be at the store and slap a loaf of bread out of someone’s hand and yell “use your turn signal when you merge, asshole.” It wouldn’t teach them a lesson but I’d feel better.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 24, 2018
11.
Did I just get owned by a fortune cookie? pic.twitter.com/dVxeFTmfLl
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 19, 2018
12. A thread…
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby. pic.twitter.com/Z5UgTdvzvn
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 11, 2017
13.
Remember when people used to buy ringtones? Remember when phones used to ring?
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) July 18, 2018
14.
When I was a kid Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) April 13, 2018
15.
My favorite rapper will always be DMX because when he’d get bored of rapping he’d just start barking.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) March 18, 2018