Dean
The new year is upon us, bringing with it the feeling of a clean slate and a renewed optimism about the future. Maybe. Or maybe for you, it’s just same old, same old.
This is the time of year that a lot of people take stock of their lives and decide what they want to improve. They attempt to break bad habits and form new ones. Does it work? Results vary.
Over on Twitter, people made jokes about their New Year’s Resolutions ranging from humorous takes on real resolutions to straight up silliness.
1.
My resolution for 2019 is to eat less spiders in my sleep.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) December 19, 2018
2.
I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I think my New Year’s Resolution is to spend most of 2019 in a kaftan.
— Vikki Stone (@vikkistone) December 31, 2018
3.
My New Year’s resolution is to have eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson movie
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 31, 2018
4.
My New Years Resolution’s to keep kicking ass & taking names because detailed record-keeping is important.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) December 30, 2018
5.
Still rocking out my only successful New Year’s resolution, now over three years old: when I wake up in the night and need to go to the bathroom, I gotta do it RIGHT AWAY, no dawdling and wondering if I REALLY need to, and this has brought me a lot of satisfaction.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) December 22, 2018
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This.👇👇👇https://t.co/R8zM6agFrd
— Ruin My Week (@RuinedWeek) December 31, 2018
6.
looking forward to ruining new year’s eve by telling everyone my resolution is to not have any of my parents die
— mr grace mugabe (@mattvbrady) December 24, 2018
7.
Me in 2019: New year new me!!
Also me: pic.twitter.com/8yHW2hJu8n— Billy Lewis (@billy_lewis19) December 30, 2018
8.
My resolution for 2019 is to do so much yoga that my friends start to hate me for it
— Megan MacKay (@mmmegan) December 29, 2018
9.
My resolution: Bring ska back in 2019
— Steve Kovach (@stevekovach) December 31, 2018
10.
My only resolution for 2019: to stop dating men who have the emotional intelligence of a baked potato
— Andrew (@andrew_heying) December 30, 2018
11.
I kept Last Years’ Resolutions!
– don’t get pregnant
– always return my shopping cartThey’re the same every year.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) December 31, 2018
12.
My New Year’s resolution is to be more efficient. So I’m giving up on it right now instead of wasting all January acting like I can achieve it.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) December 30, 2018
13.
New Years Resolution: find out what’s in pop tarts
— Timothy Granaderos (@TGranaderos) December 26, 2018
14.
My wife asked me what my New Years resolution is going to be. I shrugged.
My wife said that her New Years resolution is for her to eat “clean”, which means she has decided that my New Years resolution is also going to be that I eat “clean.”— Jeremy Babineaux (@Jbabs001) December 30, 2018
15.
My New Year’s resolution is to be less of an outright bitch and more of a secret bitch.
— Martha Kelly (@MarthaKelly3) December 31, 2018
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This.👇👇👇https://t.co/P6DvHhplTe
— Ruin My Week (@RuinedWeek) December 29, 2018
16.
My New Years resolution is to convince as many people as possible that “hillbilly” is short for “mountain William”
— emma 💥 (@e_tny) December 27, 2018
17.
I guess my grandma just made my New Years resolution for me pic.twitter.com/uDqG3XbRVJ
— George Hart (@hartattack99) December 30, 2018
18.
RESOLUTIONS:
– find source of “the smell”
– do more twitter
– file 2008-2016 taxes
– reclaim shower from raccoons
– no more mr. two pubes— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 30, 2018
19.
New year new me
New year new m
New year new
New year ne
New year n
New year
New yea
New ye
New y
New
Ne
N
Ne
Nev
Neve
Never
Never m
Never mi
Never min
Never mind
Never mind f
Never mind fo
Never mind forg
Never mind forge
Never mind forget
Never mind forget i
Never mind forget it— JAMES ᴮᵁᵀ ᴳᴬᵞ (@jamesxingleton) December 26, 2018
20.
my new years resolution is to never find out what bird box is
— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 29, 2018
21.
my new year’s resolution is to have healthier thought patterns bc as of right now someone can text me “ok” instead of “ok!” & i’ll be in my head assuming they hate me and are praying for my untimely demise
— ellie (@holy_schnitt) December 28, 2018
22.
My daughter: “Daddy, you have a very big tummy. Like Peppa’s Daddy.”
Me: “you’re comparing me to Daddy Pig?”
Daughter: “yes.”Well… My resolution to not eat at all throughout 2019 has just been made much easier. pic.twitter.com/56UsNBvuuo
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) December 29, 2018
23.
One of my New Years resolutions is to give off more BDE and also more HGE (horse girl energy)
— Adam Rippon (@Adaripp) December 29, 2018
24.
My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.
— Dysfunction Jct (@mjs03093641) December 28, 2018
25.
my resolution for 2019 is to refer to myself less often as “trash” and more often as “recycling” because at least my nonsense is eco-friendly and sustainable
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) December 28, 2018
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This.👇👇👇https://t.co/unuQ28VXnQ
— Ruin My Week (@RuinedWeek) December 28, 2018
26.
I’m trying to complete my 2018 New Year’s resolution list. To sum it up, I have 25 hours to lose 38 pounds. Serious suggestions only, please.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 30, 2018
27.
my new years resolution is to come to terms with the fact that John Mayer is in his 40s
— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) December 23, 2018
28.
My New Year’s resolution is 7680×4320.
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) December 31, 2018
29.
I am happy that this year I kept my resolution of not being passive aggressive…
As opposed to somebody I know!
— Fr. Goyo (@FrGoyo) December 29, 2018
30.
my New Year’s resolution is to stop saying “yowza” during intercourse
— Django Gold (@django) December 31, 2018
H/T Huffington Post