Mike
If you’re looking for a list of the funniest tweets on Twitter, look no further. I’ve taken the time to look through hundreds of jokes to bring you the best of the best. So sit back and relax, and let me deliver the funny to you right here every week. I got you, boo.
1.
Any guy who is 5’9: “I’m 5’11”
— Erica (@eerrriiicaa) January 21, 2019
2.
to whoever needed to see this:
throw away your empty liquor bottles, they’re not decor— demon queen (@_zodiaccat) January 20, 2019
3.
Received some very disappointing news today pic.twitter.com/NXcBSr0DYi
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) January 18, 2019
4.
Also this is so interesting to me – which way do you draw an X? Colored line being the first stroke pic.twitter.com/a0WTl8WT7P
— sixers smasey (@SMASEY) January 20, 2019
5.
What’s the most fcked up story you have of your family? Mine is when my brothers and sisters duct taped my little brother to a poll in our basement and left him there for hours and we would periodically walk down to feed him dry lucky charms and water
— Lukas Battle (@lukasbattle) January 18, 2019
6.
https://twitter.com/badbitchh96/status/1085586658278469632
7.
https://twitter.com/lemurrama/status/1085640744470114304
8.
https://twitter.com/getttingsodas/status/1085057553631854594
9.
https://twitter.com/cawran/status/1085252768388894720
10.
https://twitter.com/SJKSalisbury/status/1084508082900738049
11.
https://twitter.com/visagermusic/status/1084700799186288640
12.
ok, i have a confession.
one time when i was doing a chem lab i purposefully ripped a hole in my glove, poured a (mild) acid on my hand, & my skin got irritated so my professor let me leave early
all so i could go get an Einsteins Bagel.
thank u for ur time
— faith ! (@faithisbigdumb) January 12, 2019
13.
https://twitter.com/kibblesmith/status/1084660723119202304
14.
https://twitter.com/cottoncandaddy/status/1027798183617822720
15.
https://twitter.com/caitlinsiviterx/status/1083508342390226944
16.
https://twitter.com/LMiliotto/status/1083809004973903873
17.
https://twitter.com/BABYARlES/status/1083876075145289728
18.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
— Alisha Rai (@AlishaRai) January 9, 2019
19.
my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"
— steak (@stellmoney) January 10, 2019
20.
There was once a girl in my high school who filled a Dunkin’ Donuts cup with a Loko and got so drunk DURING SCHOOL HOURS she pissed herself in Spanish class u may think people forget the story Jackie but I can assure you they!!! do!!!! not!!!
— carolyn (@ballerguy) January 9, 2019
21.
Yo don’t come to NYC to chase ur dreams if u can’t walk fuckin fast son
— super star girl (@Sherissepena3) January 6, 2019
22.
How ironic that there are suddenly far more Marie Kondo jokes than necessary.
— david tveite (@tveite) January 9, 2019