If you’re looking for a list of the funniest tweets on Twitter, look no further. I’ve taken the time to look through hundreds of jokes to bring you the best of the best. So sit back and relax, and let me deliver the funny to you right here every week. I got you, boo.
1.
Any guy who is 5’9: “I’m 5’11”
— Erica (@eerrriiicaa) January 21, 2019
2.
to whoever needed to see this:
throw away your empty liquor bottles, they’re not decor— jen ☾ (@_zodiaccat) January 20, 2019
3.
Received some very disappointing news today pic.twitter.com/NXcBSr0DYi
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) January 18, 2019
4.
Also this is so interesting to me – which way do you draw an X? Colored line being the first stroke pic.twitter.com/a0WTl8WT7P
— sixers smasey (@SMASEY) January 20, 2019
5.
What’s the most fcked up story you have of your family? Mine is when my brothers and sisters duct taped my little brother to a poll in our basement and left him there for hours and we would periodically walk down to feed him dry lucky charms and water
— Aol.com (@lukasbattle) January 18, 2019
6.
people who back into parking spots just want attention
— sweet b (@badbitchh96) January 16, 2019
7.
Upon opening up the treadmill his crimes were revealed pic.twitter.com/Wt3R4Meovs
— Gay Moon Energy @ School 😐 (@lemurrama) January 16, 2019
8.
some of yall didn’t get called out in middle school by some boy in the hallway saying “aye he likes you” and his friend responds “no tf I don’t she’s fuckin ugly af wtf” and it shows
— lilith (@getttingsodas) January 15, 2019
9.
https://twitter.com/cawran/status/1085252768388894720
10.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you're cast opposite one another in a school play.
— Steven (with a ph) (@SJKSalisbury) January 13, 2019
11.
THERE’S A DOG SITTING AT THIS BAR WEARING A HAT AND EATING AND EVERYONE IS JUST PRETENDING LIKE ITS NO BIG DEAL??? pic.twitter.com/vA4AdvSCqo
— Josie Brechner 🌺🗡 visager.bsky.social (@visagermusic) January 14, 2019
12.
ok, i have a confession.
one time when i was doing a chem lab i purposefully ripped a hole in my glove, poured a (mild) acid on my hand, & my skin got irritated so my professor let me leave early
all so i could go get an Einsteins Bagel.
thank u for ur time
— faith is self-quarantining (@Faith_Aspen) January 12, 2019
13.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
— Daniel Kibblesmith @ NYCC AA-A28☃️ (@kibblesmith) January 14, 2019
14.
danny devito isn’t going to die he’s just going to keep getting smaller and more dense until he finally collapses into a blackhole and swallows the earth
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) August 10, 2018
15.
How good were them lessons in school when a teacher would start talking bout their personal life and every1 would pretend to care and ask loads of questions to keep her going and pass time so didn’t have to do our work hahahaha miss school 😢
— Caitlin Siviter (@caitlinsiviterx) January 10, 2019
16.
I’ll never forget when my sister hit my car and her and my mom kept it a secret from me. I noticed it while on campus and filed a police report and everything. I called my mom crying and she really had the audacity to say “I hope they find who did it sweetie” …it be ya own mom
— Leanne (@LMiliotto) January 11, 2019
17.
she wears high heels i wear sneakers…. pic.twitter.com/qFhpGq6qhG
— rat girl (@babyrat) January 11, 2019
18.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
— Alisha Rai (@AlishaRai) January 9, 2019
19.
my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"
— stellmon (@stellmoney) January 10, 2019
20.
There was once a girl in my high school who filled a Dunkin’ Donuts cup with a Loko and got so drunk DURING SCHOOL HOURS she pissed herself in Spanish class u may think people forget the story Jackie but I can assure you they!!! do!!!! not!!!
— Tinderella (@ballerguy) January 9, 2019
21.
Yo don’t come to NYC to chase ur dreams if u can’t walk fuckin fast son
— SP (@Sherissepena3) January 6, 2019
22.
How ironic that there are suddenly far more Marie Kondo jokes than necessary.
— David Tveite (@tveitprivilege) January 9, 2019