Look, I’ve got tweets. You want tweets. Let’s not play cat and mouse here. Come get what you need here every week. I promise you I only bring the best Twitter jokes bouncing around the internet. Why look yourself? My tweet list is all you need.
Finally a juul you can hit together pic.twitter.com/M8F9w3b6cf— adam.the.creator (@AdamPadilla) February 10, 2019
Alicia Keyes playing two pianos at once and here I am choking on food every time I eat— #1 samir (@samir) February 11, 2019
Will Smith genie is what appears in my room when I have sleep paralysis pic.twitter.com/NzMDOgvkkz— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) February 11, 2019
People who think Americans won't take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like "why bother flying it's only a ten hour drive"— Melissa McEwen (@melissamcewen) February 9, 2019
feel very anxious about this toilet pic.twitter.com/ksWWXXoXZD— David Farrier (@davidfarrier) February 9, 2019
my mom vs my dad . pic.twitter.com/jz0RdSaWWr— michelle (@michellenguyn) February 7, 2019
God: then you become a butterfly— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) April 19, 2018
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yeah lol the "rest"
Caterpillar: how long
Caterpillar: how long God
This note I found on my daughter’s nightstand is a whole mood in itself. pic.twitter.com/99r22cWLyD— Wendy Heard (@wendydheard) February 7, 2019
Today I had 800 mg of caffeine, exercised for 2 hours, ate literally 80 pizza rolls, and did a facemask. The line between self care and self destruction is a fine one but god do I walk it hard brother— Alec (@aIecrl) February 7, 2019
Boys say that girls are dramatic but have you ever plucked a mans eyebrow? They act like they’ve been shot— Jade Croghan (@jade_croghan) January 16, 2019
Stubhub https://t.co/n6Lj4m9yTP— Kuhny (@AdamMKuhn) February 6, 2019
I would let Marie Kondo reorganize the organs in my body— Adam Rippon (@Adaripp) February 6, 2019
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-— Skoog (@Skoogeth) February 6, 2019
me: wow you’re tall
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
probably the water https://t.co/sT2RJBVI9M— president of truck twitte,r (@callmeshitto) February 7, 2019
My dad just sent me this video pic.twitter.com/w9Gr6epqOF— E (@lmaoedina) February 5, 2019
Finally, a recipe that speaks truth. pic.twitter.com/7x8vrv2Mkh— Natalia Cecire (@ncecire) April 22, 2018
Your password must be between 732 and 942 characters. It cannot be the same as any word in any known language. It must include 3 hieroglyphs, ancient Babylonian text and the solution to Fermat's last theorem.— Ben White (@morningmoneyben) February 7, 2019
I’m getting a lil bit too expensive for myself lately— Rumbi (@RumbiTauroMusic) February 2, 2019
a startup that sends you five jackets of varying weights and texts you each morning to tell you which one to wear for the nonsense weather in your region— Alanna Okun (@alanna) February 7, 2019
So I’ve come back home from uni and today I took my dog on our first walk together since being back and he won’t stop looking up at me like this pic.twitter.com/EMKImifBdv— ells (@ellhaworth) February 2, 2019
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE pic.twitter.com/9VediAqR3j— Jennifer Cownie (@cownifer) February 5, 2019
my girlfriend fell asleep and me n the dog jus been talkin... pic.twitter.com/ZDqsx69syb— sam (@spicegirlsam) February 6, 2019