Mike
Look, I’ve got tweets. You want tweets. Let’s not play cat and mouse here. Come get what you need here every week. I promise you I only bring the best Twitter jokes bouncing around the internet. Why look yourself? My tweet list is all you need.
1.
Finally a juul you can hit together pic.twitter.com/M8F9w3b6cf
— adam.the.creator (@AdamPadilla) February 10, 2019
2.
Alicia Keyes playing two pianos at once and here I am choking on food every time I eat
— #1 samir (@samir) February 11, 2019
3.
Will Smith genie is what appears in my room when I have sleep paralysis pic.twitter.com/NzMDOgvkkz
— Jenny Nicholson @ Halloween (@JennyENicholson) February 11, 2019
4.
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) October 8, 2018
5.
People who think Americans won't take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like "why bother flying it's only a ten hour drive"
— medracula booen (@melissamcewen) February 9, 2019
6.
my boyfriend’s gym “bro dude” broke up with him 💀💀💀 pic.twitter.com/mk3yiOtCqv
— S K Y L E R (@arielle_skyler) February 8, 2019
7.
feel very anxious about this toilet pic.twitter.com/ksWWXXoXZD
— David Farrier (@davidfarrier) February 9, 2019
8.
my mom vs my dad . pic.twitter.com/jz0RdSaWWr
— michelle (@michellenguyn) February 7, 2019
9.
God: then you become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yeah lol the "rest"
Caterpillar: how long
God:
Caterpillar: how long God
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) April 19, 2018
10.
This note I found on my daughter’s nightstand is a whole mood in itself. pic.twitter.com/99r22cWLyD
— Wendy Heard (@wendydheard) February 7, 2019
11.
Today I had 800 mg of caffeine, exercised for 2 hours, ate literally 80 pizza rolls, and did a facemask. The line between self care and self destruction is a fine one but god do I walk it hard brother
— Alec (@aIecrl) February 7, 2019
12.
Boys say that girls are dramatic but have you ever plucked a mans eyebrow? They act like they’ve been shot
— Jade Croghan (@jade_croghan) January 16, 2019
13.
Stubhub https://t.co/n6Lj4m9yTP
— Kuhny (@AdamMKuhn) February 6, 2019
14.
I would let Marie Kondo reorganize the organs in my body
— Adam Rippon (@Adaripp) February 6, 2019
15.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
— Skoog (@Skoog) February 6, 2019
16.
probably the water https://t.co/sT2RJBVI9M
— jake (@callmeshitto) February 7, 2019
17.
My dad just sent me this video pic.twitter.com/w9Gr6epqOF
— E (@lmaoedina) February 5, 2019
18.
Finally, a recipe that speaks truth. pic.twitter.com/7x8vrv2Mkh
— Natalia Cecire (@ncecire) April 22, 2018
19.
Your password must be between 732 and 942 characters. It cannot be the same as any word in any known language. It must include 3 hieroglyphs, ancient Babylonian text and the solution to Fermat's last theorem.
— Ben White (@morningmoneyben) February 7, 2019
20.
I’m getting a lil bit too expensive for myself lately
— Rumbi (@RumbiTauroMusic) February 2, 2019
21.
hahahaha there goes my drinking partner 😔 pic.twitter.com/XWF1FHQjFO
— Lilo💌 (@lidodaisy) February 5, 2019
22.
a startup that sends you five jackets of varying weights and texts you each morning to tell you which one to wear for the nonsense weather in your region
— Alanna Okun (@alanna) February 7, 2019
23.
So I’ve come back home from uni and today I took my dog on our first walk together since being back and he won’t stop looking up at me like this pic.twitter.com/EMKImifBdv
— ells (@ellhaworth) February 2, 2019
24.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE pic.twitter.com/9VediAqR3j
— Jennifer Cownie (@cownifer) February 5, 2019
25.
my girlfriend fell asleep and me n the dog jus been talkin… pic.twitter.com/ZDqsx69syb
— sam (@spicegirlsam) February 6, 2019