Mike
Twitter brought the heat this week. While most of the tweets clogging up our timeline are political trash, there’s still lots of great jokes out there if you know where to look. Luck for you, I do. Here’s the best of the best.
1.
I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
— peach (@paigelokkesmoe) March 11, 2019
2.
this is our farm dog Captain. he points at the chickens every day and we don’t know why lol pic.twitter.com/yvqp3EHks0
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) March 12, 2019
3.
Coworker: “hey can you take my shift?”
Me: “of course!”
Me: hey so it turns out I have open heart surgery Tuesday Ik it’s kinda late notice but like do you think you could pick up my shift?
Coworker : sorry it’s my dogs half birthday otherwise I totally would ://
— Myla (@myla_loecke) March 10, 2019
4.
Women can always tell when you look at our boobs. It doesn't matter how quickly you glance. One second is like five seconds in boob time.
— Badass Julia Wei (@badassjuliawei) March 11, 2019
5.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
— Loong (@wonggloong) February 2, 2019
6.
So I guess the NYC rats have entered whatever stage of their takeover plan is to seize control of the subway system pic.twitter.com/7uih5rqpCj
— B. W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) March 12, 2019
7.
Today I discovered Creed and I use the same neighborhood dispensary so you know that shit good pic.twitter.com/7IZsYjw6zJ
— m cheng (@meakel_cheng) March 10, 2019
8.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
— Socially Distant Potato (@NikkiReimer) March 5, 2019
9.
this is how ice cream sandwiches are made. still hungry? pic.twitter.com/CKPDbtGsVm
— Queen Bean (@MishaQuinnH) March 9, 2019
10.
thanks guys for your help pic.twitter.com/6tYNTNA04F
— Heraa Hashmi (@caveheraa) March 9, 2019
11.
I forgot the word for manicure and asked my mom how her handjob was
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) March 10, 2019
12.
my brother got a pikachu suit and my dog attacked him pic.twitter.com/QLZJeaLQgC
— emily (@xmxlyq) March 7, 2019
13.
don’t feel like tweeting today so pic.twitter.com/aAGs4KSaDB
— big miss steak (@DashRomero) March 7, 2019
14.
A guy named billy asked if he could buy me a drink and when I asked if “billy” was short for “billiard” HE STRAIGHT UP WALKED AWAY ladies I have cracked the code
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) March 6, 2019
15.
every time someone from my high school unfollows me, I level up
— talliesin young (@thomasjeferstan) March 6, 2019
16.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
— dj homophobic barbershop (@boyswearmugler) July 18, 2018
17.
today in incredible power moves, my homegoods cashier sniffed each of my candles as she rung them up and nodded or shook her head after each one.
— anna borges (@annabroges) March 6, 2019
18.
walking into my booked conference room after the previous meeting goes 1 minute over pic.twitter.com/5fEQvUTTXy
— sara reinis (@SaraReinis) March 5, 2019
19.
let her perform her spells in peace https://t.co/DFA1GxTvZu
— alex (@alxjasper) March 5, 2019
20.
I love to see the community come together like this pic.twitter.com/63Akx7qZLW
— MM. (@meldotmel) March 5, 2019
21.
This looks like a scientist explaining to his clones what went wrong pic.twitter.com/cL3ud4yWoD
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 5, 2019
22.
I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life
— Joanne Gannon (@joanne_gannon) March 5, 2019
23.
There's a guy in this coffee shop sitting at a table, not on his phone, not on a laptop, just drinking coffee, like a psychopath.
— Jason Gay (@jasongay) September 22, 2015
24.
ordered doordash for the first time and it has turned into quite the experience pic.twitter.com/o91EtYFDGJ
— jamie (@radioaky) May 5, 2018
25.
Me leaving the house without eating breakfast, dehydrated, and with 2 hours of sleep pic.twitter.com/jvYom7Wy07
— Lil $us (@heyyy_sus) March 4, 2019