Twitter brought the heat this week. While most of the tweets clogging up our timeline are political trash, there’s still lots of great jokes out there if you know where to look. Luck for you, I do. Here’s the best of the best.
I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
— peach (@paigelokkesmoe) March 11, 2019
this is our farm dog Captain. he points at the chickens every day and we don’t know why lol pic.twitter.com/yvqp3EHks0
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) March 12, 2019
Coworker: “hey can you take my shift?”
Me: “of course!”
Me: hey so it turns out I have open heart surgery Tuesday Ik it’s kinda late notice but like do you think you could pick up my shift?
Coworker : sorry it’s my dogs half birthday otherwise I totally would ://
— Myla (@myla_loecke) March 10, 2019
Women can always tell when you look at our boobs. It doesn't matter how quickly you glance. One second is like five seconds in boob time.
— Badass Julia Wei (@badassjuliawei) March 11, 2019
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
— Wong Loong (@wonggloong) February 2, 2019
So I guess the NYC rats have entered whatever stage of their takeover plan is to seize control of the subway system pic.twitter.com/7uih5rqpCj
— Bailey Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) March 12, 2019
Today I discovered Creed and I use the same neighborhood dispensary so you know that shit good pic.twitter.com/7IZsYjw6zJ
— m cheng (@meakel_cheng) March 10, 2019
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
— Nikki Reimer (@NikkiReimer) March 5, 2019
this is how ice cream sandwiches are made. still hungry? pic.twitter.com/CKPDbtGsVm
— Queen Bean (@MishaQuinnH) March 9, 2019
thanks guys for your help pic.twitter.com/6tYNTNA04F
— Heraa Hashmi (@caveheraa) March 9, 2019
I forgot the word for manicure and asked my mom how her handjob was
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) March 10, 2019
my brother got a pikachu suit and my dog attacked him pic.twitter.com/QLZJeaLQgC
— emily quinn (@xmxlyq) March 7, 2019
don’t feel like tweeting today so pic.twitter.com/aAGs4KSaDB
— Areola Grande (@DashRomero) March 7, 2019
A guy named billy asked if he could buy me a drink and when I asked if “billy” was short for “billiard” HE STRAIGHT UP WALKED AWAY ladies I have cracked the code
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) March 6, 2019
every time someone from my high school unfollows me, I level up
— talliesin young (@thomasjeferstan) March 6, 2019
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
— dj homophobic barbershop (@boyswearmugler) July 18, 2018
today in incredible power moves, my homegoods cashier sniffed each of my candles as she rung them up and nodded or shook her head after each one.
— anna borges (@annabroges) March 6, 2019
walking into my booked conference room after the previous meeting goes 1 minute over pic.twitter.com/5fEQvUTTXy
— sara reinis (@SaraReinis) March 5, 2019
let her perform her spells in peace https://t.co/DFA1GxTvZu
— alex (@alxjasper) March 5, 2019
I love to see the community come together like this pic.twitter.com/63Akx7qZLW
— MM. (@meldotmel) March 5, 2019
This looks like a scientist explaining to his clones what went wrong pic.twitter.com/cL3ud4yWoD
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 5, 2019
I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life
— Joanne Gannon (@joanne_gannon) March 5, 2019
There's a guy in this coffee shop sitting at a table, not on his phone, not on a laptop, just drinking coffee, like a psychopath.
— Jason Gay (@jasongay) September 22, 2015
ordered doordash for the first time and it has turned into quite the experience pic.twitter.com/o91EtYFDGJ
— j.me (@radioaky) May 5, 2018
Me leaving the house without eating breakfast, dehydrated, and with 2 hours of sleep pic.twitter.com/jvYom7Wy07
— Jesús (@heyyy_sus) March 4, 2019