Twitter is a bit of a political battleground these days, but if you know where to look there are still some great jokes out there. Lucky for you, I do! Here’s the best 15 I found this week. Some old, some new, all hilarious. Enjoy!
By now everyone should have picked a spring look. If you haven't chosen a spring look, one will be assigned to you.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) March 18, 2016
One thing no one tells you about being an adult is that it's not as easy to live in a tree as you hoped it would be.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 5, 2019
It's almost 3:30 and women in offices everywhere are thinking "well, I guess I should eat that fucking yogurt I bought."
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) August 25, 2015
Shave your pussy then https://t.co/4pUEY9vfCu
— Zee (@CocoapuffKisses) March 7, 2019
Measles deciding what unvaccinated white child to take next pic.twitter.com/XqRm3LeFxV
— sweet daddy (@callmedgoodz) March 1, 2019
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
— Cullen (@HelloCullen) March 5, 2019
A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 19, 2015
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
— actioncookbook (@actioncookbook) January 11, 2018
This is how I want to be displayed at my funeral pic.twitter.com/WmtR4HzvEB
— Brady Barnhart (@itsmeBradyB) March 4, 2019
I stopped playing video games in the 90s once I realized that Patman couldn't wear jeans.. it just made me profoundly sad.
— Young Thug ひ (@youngthug) January 28, 2017
"We're out of options, I'll have to use the jetpack," I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@pixelatedboat) November 15, 2015
1st tattoo: a quote from Dante’s inferno it symbolizes man’s attraction to sin and transgression
30th tattoo: a salami and it represents a salami
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 28, 2019
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 31, 2014