Mike
Twitter is a bit of a political battleground these days, but if you know where to look there are still some great jokes out there. Lucky for you, I do! Here’s the best 15 I found this week. Some old, some new, all hilarious. Enjoy!
1.
By now everyone should have picked a spring look. If you haven't chosen a spring look, one will be assigned to you.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) March 18, 2016
2.
One thing no one tells you about being an adult is that it's not as easy to live in a tree as you hoped it would be.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 5, 2019
3.
It's almost 3:30 and women in offices everywhere are thinking "well, I guess I should eat that fucking yogurt I bought."
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) August 25, 2015
4.
https://twitter.com/Csharkboi/status/1097979499935866882
5.
Shave your pussy then https://t.co/4pUEY9vfCu
— Zee (@CocoapuffKisses) March 7, 2019
6.
Measles deciding what unvaccinated white child to take next pic.twitter.com/XqRm3LeFxV
— sweet daddy (@callmedgoodz) March 1, 2019
7.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) March 5, 2019
8.
A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 19, 2015
9.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid— actioncookbook (@actioncookbook) January 11, 2018
10.
This is how I want to be displayed at my funeral pic.twitter.com/WmtR4HzvEB
— Brady Barnhart (@itsmeBradyB) March 4, 2019
11.
I stopped playing video games in the 90s once I realized that Patman couldn't wear jeans.. it just made me profoundly sad.
— Young Thug ひ (@youngthug) January 28, 2017
12.
"We're out of options, I'll have to use the jetpack," I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) November 15, 2015
13.
1st tattoo: a quote from Dante’s inferno it symbolizes man’s attraction to sin and transgression
30th tattoo: a salami and it represents a salami
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 28, 2019
14.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
15.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 31, 2014