Mike
If you need a laugh, Twitter is the place to go. Sure, there’s plenty of folks on there with a stick up their butt these days, but if you know where to look there are still some really great jokes. Here’s the best 15 I found this week.
1.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me:
1) I don't have a car
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 2, 2016
2.
Hannibal Lecter is just a Frasier who eats people
— Molly Lambert 🦆 (@mollylambert) February 27, 2019
3.
i hit the hay all day mother fucker. 24 hour sleep cycle. if you awake you a fake. its bed time bitch
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) October 20, 2013
4.
very few people know this but “art deco” is short for the style’s inventor, Arthur Decorations
— mx. monopoly (@Lubchansky) February 26, 2019
5.
My 4 year old has recently taken up cursing. Yesterday he referred to bedtime as a "fucking crisis."
— בנימן | Benjamin (@yehudi_eyif) February 24, 2019
6.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, "Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet."
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]— For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never worn. (Baby is dead.) (@LHGarrett) May 17, 2014
7.
LADY GAGA WILL EGOT
EMMY
GRAMMY
OSCAR
TFUCK BRADLEY COOPER— Aaron Eisenberg (@Eisentweet) February 25, 2019
8.
"Aaand the blonde lady's comforting herself with her fingers, bein' her own husband for a spell."—Old prospector narrates porn for the blind
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) November 21, 2012
9.
mom said i could stay up with you guys pic.twitter.com/OMMkYYO0RR
— Snarlen Yellison (@sh_wnee) February 24, 2019
10.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is "Peepo" for the last 30 years of your life
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) February 23, 2019
11.
two knights fucking would sound like throwing a silverware drawer down the stairs
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) February 22, 2019
12.
When I worked at a deli in college, I once made a sandwich for a 100-year-old woman, and it got back to me that she called it the worst sandwich she had ever eaten.
— Brad Evans (@bradfordevans) September 13, 2018
13.
being an adult is realizing that everybody has been a dumbass your whole life and they still are, also you are a dumbass, as well
— mustard virus (@nice_mustard) February 22, 2017
14.
[date doesn’t turn up]
“Ah well, at least no attention is being drawn to me”
Waitress – https://t.co/cX2UFb0R6U— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 10, 2019
15.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff's pool]
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 2, 2014