Mike
Sometimes it feels like twitter jokes are dying off, ever since every account has become a political analyst. However, all you have to do is a little digging and you’ll find funny tweets still quite alive and well. This week I found you 15 great tweets I’m sure you’ll love. Enjoy!
1.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013
2.
me: you might say I’m a cunning linguist
date: haha I get it. like “cunnilingus”
me: what is that— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 28, 2017
3.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
— Chelda (@legendofchelda) April 4, 2016
4.
me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019
5.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
— Madison (@madisonbosil) April 21, 2019
6.
[me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
— oll (@dulcetry) April 16, 2016
7.
marge simpson calls her husband “homie” because he is her friend
— everett byram (@rad_milk) February 10, 2019
8.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 20, 2018
9.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) February 9, 2019
10.
4yo son barged in as I was exiting the shower, and he stopped and made a sweeping gesture and asked "When did all of this happen to you?"
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 21, 2014
11.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 11, 2019
12.
*is genuinely happy for the first time in years*
*narrows eyes*
what sad thing am I forgetting about
— Danny (@dundlewood) October 19, 2016
13.
today is my 13th anniversary of moving to new york and not goddamn once have i ever seen a grand piano being lifted into a building by a big crane
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) February 6, 2019
14.
Haley: Hey how's it going
Hayleigh: I'm beighsicalleigh okeigh— ohWell (@contriteperson) December 28, 2018
15.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you're disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) January 31, 2019