I like to spend a couple hour every week sifting through twitter jokes looking for treasure. I take the 15 best ones and drop them off here. Some are old, some are new, but all are brilliant. So, kick back, relax, and prepare yourself for some hearty belly laughs.
When you and your girl out in public and she see someone staring at you for too long pic.twitter.com/g5qQLObCqp
— N (@NoelSznn) January 25, 2019
I didn't feel like doing dishes after dinner guests, so I just left them in the sink, and now we move from town to town, riding the rails, running from the past.
— tignotaro (@TigNotaro) January 24, 2019
Types of spiders:
-Big ol' son of a bitch
-Surprise—this is my bedroom now!
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 15, 2017
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 13, 2015
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 23, 2019
Not just ham, BLACK FOREST ham. That exotic pigmeat on your Subway sandwich had something done to it in Germany's darkest wilderness.
— matt prindle (@GriefBison) May 10, 2013
Comin out of my cage and I’ve been doing kind of bad. I was in a cage recently.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 22, 2019
Sitcom dad: What do you kids want for dinner?
Kids: Not YOUR cooking
Sitcom dad: what the fuck did you just say to me
— vineyille (@vineyille) November 28, 2015
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
— Madison (@madisonbosil) April 21, 2019
“what if someone presses the wrong floor?”
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) December 20, 2018
me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019
4yo son barged in as I was exiting the shower, and he stopped and made a sweeping gesture and asked "When did all of this happen to you?"
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 21, 2014
Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer
— Fenton Null (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 10, 2014
sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) May 16, 2015
*panics during bank robbery*
"Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"
— Extreme Good Person (@SortaBad) November 18, 2014