I like to spend a couple hour every week sifting through twitter jokes looking for treasure. I take the 15 best ones and drop them off here. Some are old, some are new, but all are brilliant. So, kick back, relax, and prepare yourself for some hearty belly laughs.
I didn't feel like doing dishes after dinner guests, so I just left them in the sink, and now we move from town to town, riding the rails, running from the past.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) January 24, 2019
Types of spiders:
-Big ol' son of a bitch
-Surprise—this is my bedroom now!
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 15, 2017
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 13, 2015
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) January 23, 2019
Not just ham, BLACK FOREST ham. That exotic pigmeat on your Subway sandwich had something done to it in Germany's darkest wilderness.
— matt prindle (@GriefBison) May 10, 2013
Comin out of my cage and I’ve been doing kind of bad. I was in a cage recently.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 22, 2019
Sitcom dad: What do you kids want for dinner?
Kids: Not YOUR cooking
Sitcom dad: what the fuck did you just say to me
— vineyille (@vineyille) November 28, 2015
Hello. Im the kid who some how always had a tennis ball at school
— big F250 with tons of busch light cans in the bed (@pr0spector88) September 1, 2015
Therapist: Let go of your guilt. You were only a child, you weren't responsible for your parents fighting. You deserve to be happy.
Therapist: holy shit you actually believed me. lmao . look at your face ahaha
— derek (@eedrk) January 16, 2019
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
— robotic crab (beep) (@roboticcrab) September 7, 2018
Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer
— Fenton Null (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 10, 2014
sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) May 16, 2015
*panics during bank robbery*
"Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"
— Renowned Philanthropist (@SortaBad) November 18, 2014