Mike
I hope you enjoy this weekly post of funny twitter jokes as much as I do making it. Twitter is a vast ocean of jokes and it is bountiful. It’s never very hard to find amazing tweets. I’ve linked each one to the original post so you can check out more jokes from each of these funny people. Enjoy!
1.
hill i’d die on: jack sparrow by lonely island is a near-perfect piece of comedy. if the goal of comedy is to subvert expectations, to juxtapose the incongruent, i dunno that it gets much purer than michael bolton ruining a club banger with pirate lyrics
— rob (@robwhisman) January 15, 2019
2.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
3.
When you throw out everything that doesn’t spark joy and you end up standing outside with your dog and your iPhone
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) January 15, 2019
4.
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (home version) (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
5.
sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) May 16, 2015
6.
paul revere when he found out the british were coming https://t.co/jBW3wF2UrG
— cory (@_coryrichardson) January 11, 2019
7.
Hello, I'm a woman in a movie who's just had sex. I'm gonna get up and head to the shower now but I better wrap the bedsheet around my body and take the whole thing to the bathroom with me for some reason
— Extreme Good Person (@SortaBad) January 14, 2019
8.
Mile high club except for people who take shits during flights
— oll (@dulcetry) November 9, 2018
9.
my upstairs neighbors have the life i want. they wake up on a Saturday morning, fall out of bed, and then drop and knock over literally everything they own for 6 or 19 hours. good christ that is the fucking life
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 5, 2019
10.
I will join the first cult that offers me comprehensive, affordable health insurance. It can be real spooky and weird. I just want to be able to go to a doctor whenever I need to and I don’t mind occasionally harvesting my blood for Mother or whatever.
— Heinz Baked Jeans (@Merman_Melville) January 18, 2019
11.
A policeman catches me digging up a skeleton. I do the action for playing xylophone on its ribs and he motions for me to carry on.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) January 16, 2019
12.
Don't fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook) pic.twitter.com/ZMNEEmMAhI
— Andrew G. (@marginoferror) November 29, 2017
13.
As I make the jump to hyperspace, I realize I left the baby on top of the ship
— batkaren (@batkaren) September 18, 2016
14.
i find it hard to believe that EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting
— kim. (@KimmyMonte) January 17, 2019
15.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you've been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
— Dr. Brosephine Wires MD (@JoParkerBear) November 17, 2018