Every week I handpick the best Twitter jokes and drop them in here. Each one is linked to the original tweet if you want to check out their profile for other great tweets. I would. Most of these people are cranking out several great jokes every day. Worth a look.
I know we're all aiming high with New Year resolutions, but maybe we should just try to keep the inside of the microwave clean first.
— Yes, I Like Wine Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 3, 2017
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
— Kate (@LadyBroseph) August 5, 2015
my upstairs neighbors have the life i want. they wake up on a Saturday morning, fall out of bed, and then drop and knock over literally everything they own for 6 or 19 hours. good christ that is the fucking life
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 5, 2019
why don't you just googoo it. wook it up on googoo.
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 3, 2013
weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
— strongest living baby (@hippieswordfish) October 15, 2017
Gonna bandersnatch E.T. and turn it off when he’s dead in the stream
— vineyille (@vineyille) January 1, 2019
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) October 11, 2018
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped
"stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name"
oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015
that’s my bitch right there https://t.co/RhXEtaRx4e
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) December 28, 2018
my 6yo just came up with “The Buttcracker” and I’m signing her for twitter. she’s ready
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 15, 2017
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
ME: I hope there are better categories in the second round
— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) November 3, 2017
— official pixelated boat facebook account (@pixelatedboat) December 10, 2018
A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like "I'm sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away" and without missing a beat I was like "Amanda?" and she was like "My name's Rachel"… but imagine if I guessed her name right.
— Brandon Scott Wolf (indie darling) (@BrandonEsWolf) March 6, 2018