Every week I put together this list of Twitter jokes, and every week at least one of them makes me LOL. Like actually LOL. Which is crazy to me because I’ve been doing it for like 5 years. You’d think I’d eventually get numb to them, but nope.
I wish Mary Poppins Returns was just Mary coming back for something she left and flying off, not greeting anyone.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 17, 2018
Bored? Put on solo piano music and do the dishes. Now you’re the star of a poignant indie movie about finally facing your fear of dishes and ultimately, death.
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 2, 2019
Be the unlikable female narrator you want to see in the world.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) April 21, 2018
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015
I don’t remember ever listening to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” on purpose and yet I know all the lyrics. This is what happens. This is how they get you.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) December 3, 2017
Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) June 7, 2012
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren't married we will tell each other what's honestly wrong about ourselves.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) June 1, 2016
Sorry you thought I was hitting on you when I smiled. I was flirting with your dog.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 13, 2018
Women are called a "crazy cat lady” for having cats, but don’t forget a man wrote an entire fucking musical about them.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 2, 2018
Every day that I’m not a reclusive groundskeeper to an old Victorian estate with a horrifying backstory is a day lost.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) December 4, 2018
this is already my favorite movie of 2021 https://t.co/mhYZTA16Cc
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) December 8, 2018
My new best friend is this 20-month-old girl whose only word is "cookie." Shes not into bullshitting. Either you have cookies or you don't.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) June 30, 2015
“You look tired” is no longer an insult to me but merely an indication the person has powers of basic observation
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 27, 2018
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 26, 2018