Twitter jokes are still alive and kicking. I know it may not seem like that with all the “political discourse” happening on there these days, but there’s still comedy gold if you know where to look. Lucky for you, I do.
Every week I collect the 15 best tweets I can find and drop them in this post. Some old, some new, and some you might have seen before but they’re so good I had to share them again. They’re all linked so you can do the nice thing and RT and follow. See you next week!
My new best friend is this 20-month-old girl whose only word is "cookie." Shes not into bullshitting. Either you have cookies or you don't.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) June 30, 2015
some financial tips:
-pay off ur min. credit card payments
-create a budget
-save a portion of each paycheck
-oh none of this working? then it’s heist time baby
-get the gang back together
-one last job, then u can all retire
-u did it!!
-but at what cost? rick died in the heist
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 2, 2018
There should be a generational term specifically for the group of people who were Bart/Lisa’s age when the Simpsons first aired and are now Marge/Homer’s age.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 1, 2018
When I was a kid, you didn’t just say “I’m done” and quit. No! You faced your situation, threw your piano books into a mud puddle, ate what you hoped were poison berries & hid in the backyard to welcome your fate.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 5, 2018
[to the tune of mr brightside]
now he's making a list
and he's checking it twice
and he's gonna find out
who's been naughty or nice
— moose 🦌 (@tiemoose) December 2, 2018
[holding my new born son]
me: he’s beautiful
doctor: we’re gonna have to give him some shots
me: oh hell yeah pour up it’s his fucking birthday
— cory (@_coryrichardson) July 24, 2018
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants… tiny… got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
— snowbotic crab (beep) (@roboticcrab) November 23, 2018
[flirting with a girl at a bar]
ME: so, do u wanna get outa here
GIRL: teehee sure
ME: alright take a hike then princess. go on now beat it
— everett byram (@rad_milk) December 3, 2018
I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 10, 2015
I'm skeptical of god's existence but mood rings seem legit to me
— Chelda (@legendofchelda) September 30, 2015
I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a dolphin in the sea
I mostly say eeeeeeeEEEEEEEeee
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) November 28, 2018
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
— brent (@murrman5) December 5, 2018
Pretty Heat Machine pic.twitter.com/ejNPLG0MGM
— Brian Shea (@BrianPShea) December 3, 2018
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he's singing again
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 28, 2018
Scientists have again landed a spacecraft on a proverbial dime on a planet 40 million miles away that rotates at 241 metres per second. Think I'm gonna trust them on this climate change stuff.
— Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) November 26, 2018