Mike
Every week I scour Twitter for the best 15 tweets I can find. Some twitter jokes are old, some are new, but all of them are absolutely hilarious. This week’s roundup is pretty great.
1.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) February 17, 2019
2.
Billy where is your homework? "im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it"
— The Business Boy (@PajamaBen_) July 31, 2013
3.
If you eat a bunch of spaghetti and wear a sweater to a rap battle you deserve to lose
— Dr. Bucky Isotope for President (@BuckyIsotope) December 28, 2015
4.
being an adult is realizing that everybody has been a dumbass your whole life and they still are, also you are a dumbass, as well
— mustard virus (@nice_mustard) February 22, 2017
5.
Scottish twitter: I cannae wae ta eat me own shite after i gae off work at tae alcoholism factory
American twitter: I stole thousands with a fake medical gofundme. And here's what I learned about forgiving yourself (thread)
— derek (@eedrk) February 9, 2019
6.
Whoa, Tom Brady (bam-ba-lam)
Whoa, Tom Brady (bam-ba-lam)
Tom Brady always scores
(bam-ba-lam)
And he hates the poors
(bam-ba-lam)— Hatchet Buyer (@mattytalks) January 21, 2019
7.
told my wife her new perfume smelled nice and she said "it's jo malone" and i said they should make a perfume called jo malone 2: lost in new york and she said "what are you talking about."
— inside man (@bobby) December 30, 2018
8.
Oh yes, I too was 90 child. Watching Sabrina the Teenager, and Boys Meat World. My first crush was Terpangus
— Michael’s Twiter.com Page (@ErrorAustralis) December 29, 2018
9.
how … how was this even accomplished pic.twitter.com/SgeHpkyxqD
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) December 20, 2018
10.
[bad Italian accent] https://t.co/QYHjRm0CV4
— Bris Angel (@Cryptoterra) December 14, 2018
11.
Mistletoes are the clits of Christmas
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 8, 2018
12.
all the
small things
at thanks-
giving
uncle's
racist
mom's
high
dad's
pissed
say it ain't so / sweet potatoes
cousin's now goth / hot topic clothes— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 21, 2018
13.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
— sic (@toomanytoes) June 2, 2015
14.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
— dog big (@egg_dog) September 7, 2012
15.
bank teller: sir… sir we're begging you
me: [puts another subway sandwich in the pneumatic tube and sends it up]
bank teller: no more sandwiches. please. no more…
me [grabbing another sandwich]: im banksy— a paw stamping on a human face forever (@DxGGEAUX) October 25, 2018