Mike
One of the high points of my week is sifting through Twitter and putting together this list of funny tweets. Now, you might be thinking, “Wow, Mike. Pretty sad a high point of your week is putting together a Twitter list.” Well, yeah. Shit’s not going great for me right now, but it’s the little things that get me through the day, and to be honest I don’t need your judgment. Maybe if you put a little positivity out there the world wouldn’t be such a USED DIAPER FIRE.
I’m sorry. Susan, please come back. I’m so lonely. I miss you.
1.
If you have $500,000 to blow on your two kids who aren't going to get into college, have some respect and invest it in a doomed recording career that will yield one terrible single the rest of us can make fun of forever.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 12, 2019
2.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2014
3.
Don't get a dog to see if you wants kids. Get a giant incontinent bear who just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo.
— Heather B. Hamilton (@dooce) February 9, 2012
4.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 28, 2014
5.
https://twitter.com/jazz_inmypants/status/1105847492934094848
6.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/524512817735794688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E524512817735794688&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fpleated-jeans.com%2F2019%2F04%2F26%2Fbest-jokes-on-twitter%2F
7.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let's get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse— Political Science PhD (@InternetHippo) February 12, 2018
8.
https://twitter.com/jaboukie/status/1105595843120414721
9.
Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 16, 2016
10.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
— Madison (@madisonbosil) April 21, 2019
11.
The dumb bitch community is a diverse and wide ranging group, while we each identify as a dumb bitch, we are individuals who don't all conform into one dumb bitch archetype. For example, I can do some math, but should never own a cactus.
— GL (@gldivittorio) March 11, 2019
12.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
— Ian of the Sea (@ianpauldukes) March 10, 2019
13.
There needs to be a governing body in charge of how much introductory banter you’re allowed to have on your podcast
— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) March 11, 2019
14.
https://twitter.com/Manglewood/status/1104542598235152384
15.
everyone is pissed at me for saying i think gumby looks like he'd be good to eat
— three jeans (@moongrudge) June 21, 2018