One of the high points of my week is sifting through Twitter and putting together this list of funny tweets. Now, you might be thinking, “Wow, Mike. Pretty sad a high point of your week is putting together a Twitter list.” Well, yeah. Shit’s not going great for me right now, but it’s the little things that get me through the day, and to be honest I don’t need your judgment. Maybe if you put a little positivity out there the world wouldn’t be such a USED DIAPER FIRE.
I’m sorry. Susan, please come back. I’m so lonely. I miss you.
If you have $500,000 to blow on your two kids who aren't going to get into college, have some respect and invest it in a doomed recording career that will yield one terrible single the rest of us can make fun of forever.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 12, 2019
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2014
Don't get a dog to see if you wants kids. Get a giant incontinent bear who just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) February 9, 2012
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 28, 2014
seth rogen: …so i said what the hell i'm high anyway
jimmy fallon: haHa thats so good thats so funny hahaa
seth rogen: hurhurhurhur
jimmy fallon: HAHAHAHAAA
seth rogen: HURHURHURHURHUR
— the average joe (@jazz_inmypants) March 13, 2019
LinkedIn not down, go find a job.
— AUTUMN. (@autumnfvll) March 13, 2019
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let's get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
— Online Influencer (@InternetHippo) February 12, 2018
i just got off work and it’s still light out… might fuck around and be happy
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 12, 2019
Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.
— Fenton Null (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 16, 2016
every man is hopeless because every man thinks he’s just six weeks of training and healthy eating away from making a serious run at being a pro athlete
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) March 11, 2019
The dumb bitch community is a diverse and wide ranging group, while we each identify as a dumb bitch, we are individuals who don't all conform into one dumb bitch archetype. For example, I can do some math, but should never own a cactus.
— Gina (@ginadivittorio) March 11, 2019
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
— Ian Dukes Professional Social Media Account (@ianpauldukes) March 10, 2019
There needs to be a governing body in charge of how much introductory banter you’re allowed to have on your podcast
— Emma (@Merman_Melville) March 11, 2019
This ball pit sucks. pic.twitter.com/Jjzc3fWgek
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) March 10, 2019
everyone is pissed at me for saying i think gumby looks like he'd be good to eat
— three jeans (@moongrudge) June 21, 2018