Mike
I spend the better part of my week sifting through Twitter, and I’m still surprised every time a tweet makes me LOL. Like, actually laugh out loud. I thought after years of Twitter I’d be numb by now, but no. Here’s the 15 that got me this week.
1.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/524512817735794688
2.
I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 23, 2015
3.
Jesus
– under 6 feet tall
– nailed to a cross
– didn’t have gucci flip flops
– died a virginMy mom’s yoga instructor Jesús
– 6’2
– nailed my aunt
– 2 pairs of gucci flip flops
– still alive, definitely fucks (see aunt)— prance (@bocxtop) April 10, 2019
4.
https://twitter.com/jaboukie/status/1115746655549177856
5.
Enter Sandman is a song about how getting a good night's sleep kicks ass
— michael "ztul.bsky.social" lutz (@WarrenIsDead) April 5, 2019
6.
ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: twitter pic.twitter.com/0CZ96tQIQX
— Adam Sternbergh (@sternbergh) April 5, 2019
7.
Just watched The Joker trailer. I hate origin stories but "Mediocre man wants to be funny" is the realest villain explanation I've heard yet.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 3, 2019
8.
DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub" ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) March 28, 2019
9.
Roses are red
Miners love coal
Thank god we got cheeks
To protect the butthole— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 2, 2019
10.
Beds are envelopes that mail you to your nightmares
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) August 19, 2015
11.
https://twitter.com/aligarchy/status/786613055551516672
12.
Big Twitter guys:
– 26 years old
– a solid 7 But weird looking enough to be sexy to some
– good at honing the ironic voice of better menBig reddit guys
– 40 years old
– marine biology expert
– on a diet that most doctors consider a form of assisted suicide— The Gentle Freak (@mitchysuch) March 27, 2019