Past relationships can be complicated. While we try and move on from them, some of the relationships we gained through our ex still stay with us years later. Like, the ones we create with their friends and family.
But, when tragedy happens, do we go back to help our ex and their family mourn? Or, do we continue to move on and leave the baggage in the past?
One soon-to-be bride wrote into the popular subreddit “Am I The A**hole” asking if she would be wrong for going to her ex-boyfriend’s father’s funeral a week before her wedding.
Me right now: I’m 28, have a great job, marrying an amazing guy who is an officer in the Marines. I have a loving stable relationship and my fiancé is everything I could ask for in a guy. Our very small wedding is scheduled for next weekend (May 25th).
She explained that she was in an unhealthy relationship who was both an addict and abusive. And, his parents were the ones who “saved” her from the toxic relationship.
Me six years ago: in a crazy unhealthy relationship with my ex who was addicted to every substance known to man. We were both physically and emotionally abusive. Even though the relationship was terrible, I could not let him go.
It was actually his parents who stepped in and “saved” me from their son, as such I’ve always had tremendous respect and love for them. His dad gave me 10 grand and a plane ticket across the country to start a new life while they put him in rehab. I never saw ex again but stayed in touch with his parents from time to time and they came to see me every other year or so.
The death of his father was a huge shock to everyone, including his mother.
I saw on facebook that the dad passed of a heart attack on Sunday. I called Shirly and she said that he walked out to get the morning paper and she found him literally dead in the driveway. He had no warning signs and had just been given a clean bill of health from his doctor. It’s an absolute shock.
So, she wants to go to the funeral and show his family support.
I want to go show them the same support they’ve shown me over the years. I brought this up with my fiancé and while he didn’t say no, he just doesn’t quite understand why I would want to spend time with the family of my abusive ex-boyfriend.
I have tried to explain it just like I did above and he still just doesn’t get it and thinks I can send a donation to the specified in-lieu of charity. It’s even more complicated because Shirly says my ex will be there and I guess he’s still not doing well and this really bothers my fiancé. Fiance is also super stressed because it means most of the last minute wedding stuff will fall on him, he is 100% right about this.
But, she wants to spend a few days with him and his family—despite the wedding being a week away.
I can’t just see anyway I can’t go to the funeral after everything they did for me. Would I be the asshole if I go to spend a few days with them and go to the funeral?
As it turns out, a lot of people online thought that going to the funeral would make the bride-to-be an a**hole. Many pointed out that it’s time to let go of her past, no matter how much the family means to her. And, she has to put her fiancé and his feelings first.
holy shit… its not even just the one day for the funeral you want to go stay with them for what? a week? this is the ex that you never saw again after his parents paid you to leave. you think he needs you around right now during this time of extreme emotional turmoil? leave them alone. they paid you 10 grand to get the hell out of their sons life. don’t come back. that would be like spitting on his grave imo. –Modschokeondik
I get where you’re coming from. But you basically have to choose between your past and your future. If you’re really over your ex, and you care about your future marriage, then be there with your fiance. You could always send a card or flowers. Don’t let guilt over your past ruin what you have now. –theultrayik
Your fiancé is clearly not happy with it and you should respect that. It would not be a great start for your marriage either. –housecatyeh
If I asked you to marry me then you did that, I wouldn’t show up to the wedding. –53withtrollhair
Your ex and his family are not your responsibility anymore. –avocado__dip
When it comes down to it, I have to agree. Your past is your past, no matter how much the family meant to you, sending flowers or a condolence card is more than enough to show you care.