If you’re here, it means you haven’t read these funny tweets yet. You had all week to do it, but here you are at the final buzzer.
I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
sometimes i will read a paragraph in a book so good i have to put the book down and just think about it for a second like a wise old turtle
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 9, 2019
Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 6, 2015
1. STOP PRONOUNCING TORONTO WITH ALL THE T’S
2. YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE NAMES OF ALL THE PROVINCES
3. THE CANADIAN DOLLAR IS NOW WORTH MORE THAN THE AMERICAN DOLLAR
4. EVERYONE HAS TO BE NICE TO ME FOREVER
5. CALIFORNIA IS CANCELLED
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 14, 2019
The girl in my 3rd grade class that told everyone she was part horse and ate grass at recess is engaged and I have been ghosted 4 times in the last month. Much to think about
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) May 8, 2019
Eat shit Michael Jordan you broke bitch. pic.twitter.com/ZGAPhtA4ms
— Cam Tyeson (@camtyeson) June 11, 2019
Her skin is pale, her eyes are red
Her leaden voice commands the dead
To rise and stand beside their dreadful queen
No mortal power escapes her thrall
Her hunger will consume us all
And even now I hear her call: Jolene
— noot noot riot (@fauxparse) June 8, 2019
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
— airhead mere (@merestromb) June 9, 2019
Civil engineer: Let’s build some bridges!
Rude engineer: fuck you
— Jeff Computers (@JeffMyspace) June 5, 2019
My hands are for one thing only: playing sax pic.twitter.com/ncuJJUBBAg
— Kenny G (@kennyg) November 26, 2016
businesses when pride is over pic.twitter.com/est3VUgzjj
— kai asher (@gaysnufkin69) June 4, 2019
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
— the break gatsby (be back soon) (@DrakeGatsby) January 23, 2019
im a bitch / im a lover
im hulk hogan / hey there brother
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 30, 2019
— Grace Spelman (@GraceSpelman) May 29, 2019
1999: there are millions of websites all hyperlinked together
2019: there are four websites, each filled with screenshots of the other three.
— David Masad (@badnetworker) May 28, 2019
need tips for surviving on minimum wage? instead of eating lavish turkey slices for lunch, try licking the moss from a nearby tree stump. instead of blasting the A/C all summer, stare into the sun and dare God to kill you.
— Law Boy, Esq. (@The_Law_Boy) May 22, 2019