Here it is. The moment you’ve all been waiting for.Which is pretty sad when I think about it.
Anyway, here are the best tweets of the week.
yesterday at target the cashier said “your receipt is in the bag” and I responded with “you too” so I’ve been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I’m slowly coming to terms with it which is cool
— gym leader khy (@KlondikeBrat) July 16, 2019
I'm sorry the what now pic.twitter.com/OpxK1FKiZY
— skepanie (currently being two cats) (@goodhairperson) July 16, 2019
tired of these mfs pic.twitter.com/NX6G3I2TMi
— Dick Foo (@DickFooDog) July 16, 2019
My friend who doesn’t have twitter sent this from her flight. It belongs on Twitter. pic.twitter.com/qG6d54V5Dd
— Alafair Burke (@alafairburke) July 15, 2019
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
— Calla Wahlquist (@callapilla) July 14, 2019
bro quit live laugh loving ur scaring the hoes
— dev, a good girl (@bummermaid) July 11, 2019
"Okay now let's do a silly one!" – me after sex
— Cole Escola (@ColeEscola) July 10, 2019
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 13, 2019
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 13, 2019
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
— the drake gatsby ⚡️ (@DrakeGatsby) June 12, 2019
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 10, 2019
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 4, 2019
wheres my fuckin son pic.twitter.com/QM2nh5AYKs
— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) January 9, 2019
Me: I’ll have the acoustic donut
Baker: that’s a bagel
— Boog (@BoogTweets) May 28, 2019
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
— James Alvarez @ SDCC 2019 (@ObscureGent) March 30, 2019