Mike
I’ve got a solid batch of tweets for you this week. I snuck in a couple of older ones because they’re just too good.
Enjoy the laughs and have a great weekend.
1.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife's scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he's young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don't want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 7, 2019
2.
https://twitter.com/callmeEvian/status/1157073587678957568
3.
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
— The author, Séamas O'Reilly (@shockproofbeats) November 16, 2012
4.
This is what an updated Home Alone would actually look like. pic.twitter.com/sGj86933LA
— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) August 7, 2019
5.
https://twitter.com/NotLikeFreddy/status/1157404148230324224
6.
Whenever I let someone merge I say “Go dummy” takes the sting out of it
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 8, 2019
7.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) August 6, 2019
8.
https://twitter.com/philjamesson2/status/1158890611375857664
9.
https://twitter.com/LlamaInaTux/status/1158839378329907206
10.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
— chad (@badboychadhoy) August 6, 2019
11.
https://twitter.com/jazz_inmypants/status/1159335496717414400
12.
mr mac is so fucking cancelled. go to penguin jail bitch pic.twitter.com/xfgOTbsIPA
— Lisan al-Gains (@puppy_eggs) August 9, 2019
13.
https://twitter.com/minnascule/status/1158743340613079040
14.
A pack of llamas is called a cria.
A pack of camels is why your dad left.— .Mela. (@mela_shea) June 16, 2019
15.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 8, 2019