I’ve got a solid batch of tweets for you this week. I snuck in a couple of older ones because they’re just too good.
Enjoy the laughs and have a great weekend.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife's scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he's young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don't want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 7, 2019
Spermwhale: I’m the worst.— evianescence (@callmeEvian) August 1, 2019
Me: You are strong, you are brave, you can be anything you want to be. You are enough.
Me: You’re whalecum.
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?— Séamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) November 16, 2012
This is what an updated Home Alone would actually look like. pic.twitter.com/sGj86933LA— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) August 7, 2019
ah, ze weekénd— Paul Krueger (@NotLikeFreddy) August 2, 2019
she is beautiful, no?
and yet, she can never be yours
for when you feel zat she will stay with you forever
alas, she is already gone~ pic.twitter.com/lFJD58BlA6
Whenever I let someone merge I say “Go dummy” takes the sting out of it— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 8, 2019
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) August 6, 2019
climbing a ladder in a video game: wtf why doesnt this go faster— phil 2.0 (@philjamesson2) August 7, 2019
climbing a ladder in real life: ah, right
I love the relationship between Mario and bowser. one minute Mario's like 'imma chuck you into a bomb' and then next he's like 'tennis?' the dudes just exude reconciliation— llama (@LlamaInaTux) August 6, 2019
you: ant-man— bad boy (@badboychadhoy) August 6, 2019
me, an intellectual: uncle
the eggplant went from absolute nobody to sex icon talk about a fuckin cinderella story— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) August 8, 2019
mr mac is so fucking cancelled. go to penguin jail bitch pic.twitter.com/xfgOTbsIPA— big wet billy (@puppy_eggs) August 9, 2019
inside of u there are two wolves. one has anxiety & weird food issues that make it impossible to ask for what you really want. the other hates capitalism & knows that the machinization of low wage jobs will lead to the downfall of society. u are having a panic attack at mcdonalds— Minna 🔸 (@minnascule) August 6, 2019
A pack of llamas is called a cria.— .Mela. (@mela_shea) June 16, 2019
A pack of camels is why your dad left.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 8, 2019
neighbor: hey there