Mike
I’ve got a solid batch of tweets for you this week. I snuck in a couple of older ones because they’re just too good.
Enjoy the laughs and have a great weekend.
1.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife's scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he's young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don't want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 7, 2019
2.
Spermwhale: I’m the worst.
Me: You are strong, you are brave, you can be anything you want to be. You are enough.
Spermwhale: Thanks.
Me: You’re whalecum.
— evianescence (@callmeEvian) August 1, 2019
3.
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
— Séamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) November 16, 2012
4.
This is what an updated Home Alone would actually look like. pic.twitter.com/sGj86933LA
— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) August 7, 2019
5.
ah, ze weekénd
she is beautiful, no?
and yet, she can never be yours
for when you feel zat she will stay with you forever
alas, she is already gone~ pic.twitter.com/lFJD58BlA6
— Paul Krueger (@NotLikeFreddy) August 2, 2019
6.
Whenever I let someone merge I say “Go dummy” takes the sting out of it
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 8, 2019
7.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) August 6, 2019
8.
climbing a ladder in a video game: wtf why doesnt this go faster
climbing a ladder in real life: ah, right
— phil 2.0 (@philjamesson2) August 7, 2019
9.
I love the relationship between Mario and bowser. one minute Mario's like 'imma chuck you into a bomb' and then next he's like 'tennis?' the dudes just exude reconciliation
— llama (@LlamaInaTux) August 6, 2019
10.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
— bad boy (@badboychadhoy) August 6, 2019
11.
the eggplant went from absolute nobody to sex icon talk about a fuckin cinderella story
— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) August 8, 2019
12.
mr mac is so fucking cancelled. go to penguin jail bitch pic.twitter.com/xfgOTbsIPA
— big wet billy (@puppy_eggs) August 9, 2019
13.
inside of u there are two wolves. one has anxiety & weird food issues that make it impossible to ask for what you really want. the other hates capitalism & knows that the machinization of low wage jobs will lead to the downfall of society. u are having a panic attack at mcdonalds
— a square with an eyebrow piercing (@minnascule) August 6, 2019
14.
A pack of llamas is called a cria.
A pack of camels is why your dad left.— .Mela. (@mela_shea) June 16, 2019
15.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 8, 2019