Mike
If you’ve had a busy week and couldn’t get to Twitter, don’t worry. I got you. Here are the best tweets you missed.
1.
https://twitter.com/sonyahuber/status/1166473570760962050
2.
[pulls up in a new car]
EX: nice car asshole.
ME: umm, it’s called a muffler.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) August 29, 2019
3.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it's implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 27, 2019
4.
https://twitter.com/daynamcalpine_/status/1164933664716836871
5.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
— jo (@whatsJo) April 24, 2019
6.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) August 25, 2019
7.
https://twitter.com/bananabeltbetty/status/1166477200536653831
8.
Her: you wanna go upstairs?
Me: sure…
Her: you have protection?
Me: w-why? What’s up there?
— J (@justindkim92) August 27, 2019
9.
https://twitter.com/whynowhy/status/1164329468359565313
10.
https://twitter.com/HelloCullen/status/1102959095135563777
11.
https://twitter.com/tigersgoroooar/status/1162078465518125057
12.
Forever 21 is closing, please sign my petition to replace it with my new concept:
Bitches, We’re 35— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) August 29, 2019
13.
Drug dealer: if you're a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) August 29, 2019
14.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) June 12, 2019
15.
https://twitter.com/dorsalstream/status/1165311108485472256