If you’ve had a busy week and couldn’t get to Twitter, don’t worry. I got you. Here are the best tweets you missed.
1.
My neighbor across the street had a pumpkin plant take over his entire front yard. I asked him what fertilizer he used. “None! This was an accident from our jack o’ lantern.” Then like captain Ahab he stared into the distance and said, “I’ve just got to see this through.” pic.twitter.com/mQBI3Hbd8m
— Sonya Huber (@sonyahuber) August 27, 2019
2.
[pulls up in a new car]
EX: nice car asshole.
ME: umm, it’s called a muffler.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) August 29, 2019
3.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it's implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 27, 2019
4.
my pals think living in scotland is all beautiful rolling hills and friendly patter when in reality it’s a junkie shouting ‘ye goin for a shite hen?’ at me because i’m carrying a 16 roll pack of toilet roll
— Dayna McAlpine (@daynamcalpine_) August 23, 2019
5.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) April 24, 2019
6.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) August 25, 2019
7.
Tattoos should actually make you more employable because it shows you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
— banana belt betty (@bananabeltbetty) August 27, 2019
8.
Her: you wanna go upstairs?
Me: sure…
Her: you have protection?
Me: w-why? What’s up there?
— Justin Kim (@justindkim92) August 27, 2019
9.
feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream i should also be
— dewclaw (@whynowhy) August 22, 2019
10.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
— Cullen (@HelloCullen) March 5, 2019
11.
porn is so unrealistic, my stepdad hated me.
— pony (@tigersgoroooar) August 15, 2019
12.
Forever 21 is closing, please sign my petition to replace it with my new concept:
Bitches, We’re 35— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) August 29, 2019
13.
Drug dealer: if you're a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) August 29, 2019
14.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
— the drake gatsby ✨ (@DrakeGatsby) June 12, 2019
15.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
— RM (@dorsalstream) August 24, 2019