Mike
It’s a good thing you stopped by. You really shouldn’t miss these tweets.
1.
I really got his ass lmao pic.twitter.com/UijEWcY1Y8
— lowlifekirby (@lowlifekirby) September 3, 2019
2.
Imagine kissing a dentist and their little devil tongue flicking around your mouth searching for cavities. A profession of psychopaths.
— Just Ciarán now (@Conkernog) September 2, 2019
3.
Bart Simpson: “Eat my shorts”
Parents in the 90s: “This is…the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”
— richie owens (@iamRichieOwens) September 1, 2019
4.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies? pic.twitter.com/6D51FIWrVU
— Evan J Worthen (@harambevan) September 1, 2019
5.
A wedding? You mean an open bar where two people are getting married
— Erica (@eerrriiicaa) September 1, 2019
6.
same day delivery is the most American shit of all time, you run out of deodorant or something and with a single click start a Rube Goldberg of human suffering in an Amazon warehouse twenty miles away
— Law Boy, Esq. (@The_Law_Boy) September 4, 2019
7.
disappointed to hear the fifth rambo film is called 'rambo: last blood' and not 'rambo no. 5'
— Amanda Yeo (@amandamyeo) September 4, 2019
8.
Bat licking hand pic.twitter.com/2mDCfuvaPu
— 41 Strange (@41Strange) September 2, 2019
9.
Tool is number 1 on iTunes. WoW is the biggest game. there’s a dark comic book movie coming out. everyone’s talking about Dave Chappelle. the mid 2000s are back. we did it boys. and in record time
— conservative nanette (@ByYourLogic) August 30, 2019
10.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well pic.twitter.com/n67LUOaTBy
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) September 4, 2019
11.
Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Me: yes
[later]
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) September 3, 2019
12.
Imagine being drunk as fuck and a vegan, you gotta come home and eat a spaghetti squash
— Daniel (@MyFavsTrash) September 2, 2019
13.
I get that having a new born baby is hard but have you ever just gotten comfortable in bed and then hear your cat eating fucking plastic in the other room?????
— trash bat (@yooocaitlin) September 1, 2019
14.
i got drunk last night and accidentally requested off the entire month of november and somehow it got approved
— kelly (@kelllicopter) August 30, 2019
15.
The driver of jfk’s car sees everyone screaming and is like did I hit a squirrel
— john is toast (@johnistoasted) August 29, 2019