Mike
You almost missed them again. Must have been a busy week.
Well, here they are. Get to work.
1.
the one (1) granola bar in my stomach waiting for me to eat an actual meal pic.twitter.com/C01BNle4TU
— . (@_vricardo) September 10, 2019
2.
3.
https://twitter.com/sydluvschicken/status/1170764008779079682
4.
Hello darkness my old friend.
Darkness (2 days later): Sorry just saw this.
— Jake Lambert (@jakelambertcom) September 10, 2019
5.
My mom:
My dog: pic.twitter.com/3KlnYSIYc4— Cori Barnard🌈 (@CoriBarnard1) September 7, 2019
6.
Left this up for my roommates but if anyone needs to quote tweet it and say “same” to go viral, I understand pic.twitter.com/v6mBFbboiT
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) September 10, 2019
7.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
— Conor (@cjs8542) September 10, 2019
8.
This is by far the funniest coach in college football history.
Ladies and gentlemen, Montana Tech's Bob Green. pic.twitter.com/K52YWfhBUQ
— Nick Petraccione (@NickPetraccione) September 7, 2019
9.
dating a skinny guy cool until you roll down the window on the freeway and he fly out like a mcdonald's napkin
— 🦋 (@ambermariexoo) September 6, 2019
10.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
— ⛧ Luis Vercetti ⛧ (@97Vercetti) September 12, 2019
11.
Doctors saying to switch back to cigs until we figure out what’s going on
— Queso (@djbitchtits) September 12, 2019
12.
I don't like puppies. I like old, serious dogs who put a paw on your arm as if to say "30 years ago, I buried a bag of unmarked bills outside Reno. Get the car keys."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2019
13.
how to find inner peace:
-hydrate
-get 8 hours of sleep
-have a support group
-detach from reality [existence is an illusion]
-marry squirrels at the park [they’re living in sin]— Serg (@bonehugsnirony) September 8, 2019
14.
Mr Rogers: won’t you be my neighbor
Me: I’d love to
[3 am]
Mr Rogers: *reving dirt bike*
Me: mister rogers you son of a bitch
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) September 10, 2019
15.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
— jo (@whatsJo) September 11, 2019