If I give you money for a meal it better come to me on a plate, a bowl, or if it’s fajitas a skillet. I don’t want it laid on a piece of cedar from a haunted forest in Japan. I don’t want it smeared on a stained glass window of baby Jesus playing the drums. I don’t want it squirted into a bagpipe and played at my niece’s Bat Mitzvah. Don’t get all fancy with the presentation to mask the fact that your food tastes awful.
1. Just like old Italian mothers used to dry their laundry.
2. Cheese foam sprayed onto the top of your hand, best enjoyed with a chilled beer and regret.
3. At least the food is having fun.
4. Were they all out of diapers?
5. Is this food or a Salvidor Dali painting?
6. Supreme pizza means it comes with peppers. Xtreme pizza means it comes on a snowboard.
7. Served on the hip bone of the last unicorn.
8. Heard of Sloppy Joes? Well, this is a Disgusting Robert.
9. This is a picture of a plate displayed on an iPad with a curry prepared by the reanimated zombie of Steve Jobs.
10. A margarita served in a bag, in a deep fryer tray, in a restaurant that will be gone in 6 months.
11. And while we’re at it, the little tray the check comes on is fine too. No need to bring it out on a full-size fucking typewriter.
12. Enough said.
13. A drink served in a rock with a hole but no straw. Might be whiskey. Might be a scorpion.
14. When you’re done you wiper your face with a plate.
15. Not only are the fries soggy, but you evicted a goldfish for this.
16. Bread in a roadkill sack. Burn this place down.
17. Then you slap the waiter in the face with it.