Jason Mustian
While Mike Primavera already does a pretty damn good job with his coed weekly funny tweet roundup, we also think that until women get paid as much as men, it’s our duty to single out funny female tweets. Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.
DISCLAIMER: the headline “23 Women Who Made Us Piss Our Pants Laughing This Week” is a bit misleading. Truth be told, no one makes us piss our pants. We do it because we like it.
1.
Sorry I’m late, I still don’t know how long it takes to shower
— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) October 8, 2019
2.
Me and the three other people who don’t want to be at the party on our way to locate the rumoured obese cat in the bedroom pic.twitter.com/SYUae9VLqg
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) October 9, 2019
3.
PITCH: "Reverse Queer Eye" – Five straight men come to your house and absolutely destroy your life.
— Kristen Bartlett (@kristencheeks) August 7, 2019
4.
no one:
married girls on insta: being in love is the HARDEST thing ever but so WORTH IT we fight NONSTOP but we love like CRAZY I fucking HATE my husband but that's just part of being in LOVE true love is DIRTY & HARD but so REWARDING I LOVE doing his LAUNDRY & wiping his ASS— trick or yeet (@sarahndipity18) October 7, 2019
5.
Yalllll i literally can’t be a hoe on Snapchat in peace pic.twitter.com/iBGW271TyA
— Ashlee (@Ashleelove__) October 5, 2019
6.
I’m 29 years old but it’s ok because that’s only 1 in brita filter years
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) October 8, 2019
7.
me: *hits spider web down with broom*
spider: wow
me: *puts up fake spider web decorations for Halloween*
spider: WOW
— ugly & sad (@SpookyGothLoser) October 5, 2019
8.
Me leaving CVS on my period pic.twitter.com/NJFoJWppSO
— Luisa Lange (@Luisa_Lange) October 11, 2019
9.
Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 7, 2019
10.
halloween is amazing because i get to see which groups of white girlfriends couldn’t find a scary spice
— taylor garron (@casualafro) October 9, 2019
11.
I fucking swear to God, if anybody else has beat me to the fucking caption “He’s a little pumpkin!” or even any SLIGHT fucking variation on it on this friend from high school‘s Instagram of their baby in a pumpkin patch, I will fucking break shit
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) October 6, 2019
12.
Sometimes you can smell the breakup from the thirst trap
— Wanjiko Eke (@WanjikoIAm) October 10, 2019
13.
My husband and I would like to pitch an offshoot from the British Baking Show, called “We’ll Eat That.”
— I’m probably available! (@mariabamfoo) October 8, 2019
14.
Returned a library book as Elizabeth Warren today pic.twitter.com/URexv2UTMm
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) October 10, 2019
15.
Putting on and taking off a sports bra counts as exercise. Don’t @ me
— Imani Gandy Corn (@AngryBlackLady) October 9, 2019
16.
“It’s Shakespeare…“
“Ugh no thank y-“
“…as you’ve never seen it before.”
“Omg”
— Taylor Ortega (@taylor_ortega) October 8, 2019
17.
Snoopy's cousin Spike, aka Johny Depp. pic.twitter.com/seBPythe5s
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) October 11, 2019
18.
When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 6, 2019
19.
Between 3 and 5 AM my daughter poured ice water on my pillow and then screamed at me for not knowing the plot of the movie Abominable. Not sure when she joined a frat.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) October 9, 2019
20.
All I want for my birthday is my husband to take me to a remote tropical island where we can lie on the beach for 2 days completely uninterrupted
…and then on the third day a mysterious heiress is murdered in the lobby and oh no all the guests are suspects and we must solve it
— Boo-cy Hub-orb (@clhubes) October 9, 2019
21.
jon bon jovi is literally the most insane name someone could give themselves
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) October 9, 2019
22.
oh my god pic.twitter.com/RTuiHSl8cW
— deathcore whore (@DISIS4BABYFAT) October 8, 2019
23.
The male equivalent of getting bangs is thinking about doing stand up
— Brown Peggy Olson (@ahdiv_me) August 4, 2019