Enjoy the spoils of my latest excavation of this week’s best funny tweets.
Me: I can’t believe I lost my wallet last night
Me last night with my wallet: pic.twitter.com/vQDrEvMhCB
— Luisa Lange (@Luisa_Lange) March 3, 2019
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2018
I dream of a day when paper-towel manufacturers just say how many rolls are in the package, and not how many hypothetical rolls would be in the package if they were some other hypothetical size.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 31, 2019
why they gotta make these gummy multivitamins taste so good but you’re supposed to only eat one a day like if i eat this whole bottle right now am i gonna be exTREMELY healthy or is my heart gonna stop
— brayden bauer // (@im_your_density) April 1, 2019
Told my dad to start using “it slaps” and now he won’t stop pic.twitter.com/htKvqiCOP1
— Jesika (@___LiLJ) March 27, 2019
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 29, 2019
I just blocked someone on Instagram and, using my email address, he sent me a calendar invite to suck his dick at 9:30 am on September 17th
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) September 16, 2018
me: [naked and confused] w-which hole tho?
spongebob: i don’t give a fuck just do it
— Skoog (@Skoog) March 29, 2019
I spill water on myself in bed every night by trying to drink it sideways. Then I just lay in the puddle because I deserve this.
— Alex B’Dalex (@funandmisery) September 1, 2017
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
— Christine Estima (@christineestima) March 29, 2019
something wrong with my cousin pic.twitter.com/HWwXif2ibK
— saLma (@DABIGB00T) March 28, 2019
i was just trying to have a relaxing morning by the pool pic.twitter.com/sHKwykAx3N
— bella (@beIIahiII) March 26, 2019
Me: Husband, please stop leaving empty wrappers on the kitchen surface.
— Lizzie Swann (@LizzieSwann1) March 26, 2019
Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
— Ritz (@edgyboynextdoor) March 24, 2019
As poop is coming out of your butt it is temporarily a sandwich, but once it’s in the toilet it’s soup
— wilson (@MediumWilly) December 15, 2018
That one IKEA mirror everyone owned in college:
— Ecce_Homosexual (@Ecce_Homosexual) March 26, 2019
one time during a high school cross country meet i pretended to faint .5 miles in because i was tired and the medics came and carried me to a golf cart and i’ve kept this to myself for 4 years- AND THAT’S SHOWBIZ, BABY.
— Brett Neustrom (@brett_neusty) March 27, 2019
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016