Jason Mustian
you: “Trick or treat?”
us: “Sorry, don’t have any candy, just some funny Halloween Tweets”
you: “Trick or TWEET then!”
(JK, none of you would say that.)
1.
me: *hits spider web down with broom*
spider: wow
me: *puts up fake spider web decorations for Halloween*
spider: WOW
— ugly & sad (@SpookyGothLoser) October 5, 2019
2.
https://twitter.com/AshlynDanyela/status/1178465835423354881
3.
one time I was out on halloween and there was a guy wearing a fake moustache and a priest collar and I asked him "are you someone in particular or are you just moustache priest?" and he said "just moustache priest" and I said "cool"
— whit (@whitneyarner) October 1, 2019
4.
https://twitter.com/venaverjavier/status/1178999653049737217
5.
When you get sent to hell, these are the cookies in the waiting room while they process ya paperwork https://t.co/49MpWPp7Tc
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) October 3, 2019
6.
He was so terrified when we brought him home 2 days ago, now he’s a member of the family❤️ pic.twitter.com/AaZpBQ2kP3
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) October 6, 2019
7.
spiders watching humans put webs all over their house during halloween pic.twitter.com/k7lLc6E7MU
— zander (@zandirts) October 11, 2019
8.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm clearly Sloth from "The Goonies." Let go of me!" pic.twitter.com/zYUrH9kO5F
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 7, 2019
9.
my bf is 6’2 i’m 4’9. he said he wants us to be sully and mike wazowski for halloween smh where’s the eject button
— gandalf the gay (@sidelicioussss) October 1, 2019
10.
https://twitter.com/SoleilRayonnant/status/1179163152929431552
11.
how many bitches y’all think you know that are gonna dress as a white claw/slutty white claw for halloween and claim it was their original idea.. i can think of like five off the top of my head
— Tana Mongeau (@tanamongeau) October 3, 2019
12.
https://twitter.com/cobwebkitten/status/1182111660435103745
13.
https://twitter.com/supplierofmemes/status/1181180700721991682
14.
I'm either a vampire or that guy in your creative writing class pic.twitter.com/qdaLVR72Te
— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) October 3, 2019
15.
halloween is my favorite holiday because you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand without getting in trouble
— McSpooky (@McNasty) October 3, 2019
16.
sometimes having a family amazon account is…..embarassing pic.twitter.com/6uXX2xWvWl
— sentient weenie (@5150wonderbread) October 15, 2019
17.
y’all: happy halloween
me,an intellectual:
🎃🎃 🎃🎃
🎃🕸️🕷🎃 🎃🕷🕸️🎃
🎃🕷👻🕸️🎃🕸👻🦇🎃
happy harry potter season
🎃🕷💀👻💀🕸️🎃
🎃🕸💀🕷🎃
🎃🦇🎃
🎃— mar 🦇 (@lunastonks) October 1, 2019
18.
https://twitter.com/Unexplained/status/1180207384809103360
19.
Guys will see a pretty girl and say “wow she’s out of my league” like bruh she got 30 days to find someone to match Halloween costumes with just shoot your shot already
— Johnny Jet (@JohnnyJTravels) October 1, 2019
20.
https://twitter.com/ObsKenobs/status/1182280177700737025
21.
day 87 without sex: went to halloween horror nights so I can remember what it's like to have a man make me scream again
— soup girl (@jasminericegirl) October 10, 2019
22.
Ranking the best Halloween candy:
1. Reese’s
2. Snickers
3. Sour patch kids
4. Twix
5. Milky Way
6. Kit Kat
7. Skittles
8. Starburst
9. Butterfinger
10. Babe Ruth
.
.
56. Licorice
.
.
.
99. Clorox Bleach
.
.
.
.
176. Candy corn— Iowa Chill (@IowaChill) October 8, 2019
23.
im legally allowed to say happy halloween every day for the next 31 days just like how ppl say merry christmas through the entirety of december
— 🎃paul rudd🎃 (@philsadelphia) October 2, 2019
24.
I asked the Internet what I should be for Halloween…
"Skinny" was the top reply.
I've officially decided I'm no longer going on the Internet.
— Jack “CouRage” Dunlop (@CouRageJD) October 7, 2019
25.
7-year-old: I want to be you for Halloween.
Me: How would you dress?
7: I'd just look tired all the time.
We'd be twins.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2019
26.
https://twitter.com/justinhmin/status/1182128452956299264
27.
https://twitter.com/merrittk/status/1179071441611960325
28.
Wife: how do we explain Halloween to the kids?
Me: they put on a mask and ask strangers for candy.
Wife: but we said NEVER accept candy from strangers.
Me: we’ll tell them one day a year it’s ok.
Wife:
Me: it’s like the Purge but for Children.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) October 5, 2019
29.
https://twitter.com/CousinBarnabas/status/1186812777480019969
30.
This remains the greatest Halloween tweet of all time. https://t.co/VT868ya19t
— Boo! McScreamy (@DrewMcWeeny) October 11, 2019