Mike
The absolute most amazing and greatest tweets I had time to find this week. I tried my best, and if that’s not good enough for you, you should hang out with my dad you guys have a lot in common.
1.
Gonna ruin thanksgiving this year by saying ok boomer after the family prayer
— (◕,,,◕) (@Ghastly) November 15, 2019
2.
Cool… probably won’t pick that guy https://t.co/GaibNRYPNQ
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) November 5, 2019
3.
what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby
— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) November 18, 2019
4.
The three genders. pic.twitter.com/NISNIZDBKr
— Rabbit Cohen’s Dad’s Monster (@BathysphereHat) November 18, 2019
5.
me: can Bigfoot mate with a Yeti
Google: ok one more then bedtime for real
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) November 19, 2019
6.
peace was never an option pic.twitter.com/0Epfj8yZgH
— worm (@SzMarsupial) November 19, 2019
7.
Exchange I’m currently having with my landlord. pic.twitter.com/PPd2k3lgbF
— Patrick T Shep (@PatrickTShep) November 17, 2019
8.
Don’t put the Paul McCartney before the Paul Mchorsey.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 19, 2019
9.
throwing whoever’s naming the bbq sauces in jail for being too horny pic.twitter.com/nxa6lYWcgl
— amy brown (@arb) November 20, 2019
10.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
catlooking for:
⚪️ A relationship
⚪️ A friendship
a little salami pic.twitter.com/6s378F47AB— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) November 21, 2019
11.
I hate when someone gets in front of me on the sidewalk because they think they can walk faster than me. They can’t. I am the fastest walker
— Katie Heaney (@KTHeaney) November 18, 2019
12.
cashier: want the receipt emailed to u?
me: [leaning in] i don’t care if i die
— green envy (@deleted_shark) November 18, 2019
13.
*extreme Eddie Money voice*
I’ve got pic.twitter.com/r0L8rAhdIl
— A Fresh Corpse (@colindickey) November 14, 2019
14.
Vin Diesel taught Judi Dench how to play Dungeons & Dragons on the set of THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK and she went on to become DM for her grandchildren https://t.co/k5mdwB9cAf
— Ben Mekler (@benmekler) November 13, 2019
15.
hermit crab: [shoving his ass through my living room window]
me: hey. HEY! this one’s taken.
— blank (@mister_blank) November 11, 2019