Mike
There are hundreds of tweets that didn’t make this list, but I am only one man. One man with a mission. A mission to bring you the best 15 tweets I have time to find. And then after I’ll walk down to 7-11 and fill a big gulp with the free nacho cheese, but then I’ll only pay for a soda. They’ll be upset but they can’t stop me. It’s a loophole. One I’ll exploit again next week. Enjoy the tweets.
1.
r we just gonna ignore the girl in the middle’s a transformer https://t.co/pC269wKMU2
— short himbo defense squad (@narghargs) December 5, 2019
2.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 5, 2019
3.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
— (@calebsaysthings) December 5, 2019
4.
winter is just me asking my body “are you sick?” and my body being like “maybe ;)”
— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) December 4, 2019
5.
Doing No Delete December, you gotta find other ways to fix your mistakes besides taking the cowards way out pic.twitter.com/3jpVKQnCbD
— Tap Water Defender (@Scabhammer) December 2, 2019
6.
“Nah.” – everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2nd
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 2, 2019
7.
Had to do one *Turn On Sound* pic.twitter.com/C4lEQQcQmL
— Matthew A. Cherry (@MatthewACherry) December 1, 2019
8.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) February 6, 2019
9.
if i EVER find out a magic school bus is inside me exploring i will be livid
— gingerbread home investor (@poniesandsodies) December 4, 2019
10.
Y’all….. why would my kid say this pic.twitter.com/c8u41FQdBl
— (@elameeee) December 3, 2019
11.
Priest: Do you take this man for
Better or worse?
Better or worse?
Better or worse?– an optometrist wedding
— Pandy Fackler ⛄ (@ThatBrenna) December 2, 2019
12.
when i was 22, my father, stumbling drunk and suicidal, fell and hit his head. he died instantly. that’s when i realized, in the midst of my grief, how much i love beef stew. for this recipe, you’ll need a slow cooker,
— Official Ted Kaczynski VEVO (@nachdermas) December 2, 2019
13.
wife: promise me you won’t try to look cool in front of your nieces and nephews again it’s so embarrassing
me: of course not
[later during thanksgiving]
me: dayum turkey lookin thicc as shit this year queen
— Terry F (@daemonic3) November 28, 2019
14.
capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation pic.twitter.com/jVAgZhMLkU
— tesla killdozer (@argumentwinner) December 2, 2019
15.
Wait a minute…. https://t.co/N8CCPF0wEZ
— Satan (@s8n) December 1, 2019