Jason Mustian
While Mike Primavera already does a pretty damn good job with his coed weekly funny tweet roundup, we also think that until women get paid as much as men, it’s our duty to single out funny female tweets. Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.
DISCLAIMER: the headline “23 Women Who Made Us Piss Our Pants Laughing This Week” is a bit misleading. Truth be told, no one makes us piss our pants. We do it because we like it.
1.
Girls and gays will spend an hour perfecting their outfit then pair it with a stained tote bag filled with loose pills and gum wrappers
— ursula (@AltOccult) December 1, 2019
2.
Imagine getting murdered and u go to heaven and god is like “they turned ur gruesome death story into a podcast lol”
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 2, 2019
3.
i just found a “Christian version” of the Cha Cha slide & i am dying.
please god tell me this is the war on Christmas pic.twitter.com/XHDfq70ZOf— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) December 4, 2019
4.
If my husband bought me a Peleton, I'd spend a year making selfie videos of me drying my bras on it.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 3, 2019
5.
dumbest bitch award goes to me pic.twitter.com/SpZdj6HUzZ
— (@JADAEDW) December 2, 2019
6.
if i EVER find out a magic school bus is inside me exploring i will be livid
— gingerbread home investor (@poniesandsodies) December 4, 2019
7.
— ericka (@Erickajamon) December 1, 2019
8.
my neighbor right before he tells me what’s wrong w my lawn pic.twitter.com/9440i86ja9
— deck the halls w kimmymonte ❄️ (@KimmyMonte) November 30, 2019
9.
This is just the absolute worst advent calendar I’ve ever gotten pic.twitter.com/XTSFI5u1fr
— maybe: clare (@clur19) December 4, 2019
10.
today I learned that jalapenos get stretch marks when they grow and now I don’t have self esteem issues anymore
— Kie (@KielyHealey) December 3, 2019
11.
https://twitter.com/AbbyHasIssues/status/1201300784840921088
12.
“baby yoda is a bad bitch!” – me at brunch, having seen 0.00 episodes of the mandalorian
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) December 1, 2019
13.
Get u a mans that can open a beer with anything pic.twitter.com/hrlUuhURtc
— Stephanie (@xoxostephhhhh) December 3, 2019
14.
me watching a tv show of any genre pic.twitter.com/UaIDqdVsq3
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) December 6, 2019
15.
A guy dumped me because he saw me more as a friend but now he’s marrying his “best friend” so like which one is it Paul?
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) November 29, 2019
16.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
— Deyanna Diedrich (@DeyannaDiedrich) November 30, 2019
17.
r we just gonna ignore the girl in the middle’s a transformer https://t.co/pC269wKMU2
— short himbo defense squad (@narghargs) December 5, 2019
18.
I changed my mum’s autocorrect whilst we’re on holiday in Germany. She just texted this to the cat-sitter: pic.twitter.com/drrg5G9swS
— Nicola Thorp (@nicolathorp_) December 4, 2019
19.
https://twitter.com/manster_mash/status/1202599809141661698
20.
Y’all….. why would my kid say this pic.twitter.com/c8u41FQdBl
— (@elameeee) December 3, 2019
21.
men are perfect, to me. no notes! pic.twitter.com/eJHYigvkFu
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) December 4, 2019
22.
i got an oil change and the guy told me i needed a tire rotation. lmao, the tires are rotating every time i drive it, that’s how it works. idiot.
— katie (@kkatiee1) December 3, 2019
23.
if i was billie eilish i would tweet who the fuck are the beatles and turn off my phone
— alicia (@nerdjpg) December 3, 2019