Jason Mustian
While Mike Primavera already does a pretty damn good job with his coed weekly funny tweet roundup, we also think that until women get paid as much as men, it’s our duty to single out funny female tweets. Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.
DISCLAIMER: the headline “23 Women Who Made Us Pee Our Pants Laughing This Week” is a bit misleading. Truth be told, no one makes us piss our pants. We do it because we like it.
1.
THIS LITTLE GIRL I’M BABYSITTING JUST ASKED ME IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND I SAID NOT ANYMORE AND SHE SAID “BOYFRIENDS ARE A WASTE OF TIME” AND THEN SHE TURNS TO HER BROTHER AND TELLS HIM “YOU’RE GONNA BE A WASTE OF TIME”
— madison (@itsmadimay) December 15, 2019
2.
how many miles do you think we’ve all scrolled this year
— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) December 17, 2019
3.
https://twitter.com/maria_helen13/status/1207456907163779072
4.
By far the absolute highlight of my trip so far is finding a Christian bookshop (I wish I was kidding) called Cum Books pic.twitter.com/6B3WN2nZzy
— Isla (@islawhat) December 15, 2019
5.
My mom asked me to help her decorate christmas cookies pic.twitter.com/ZXGe76HuBC
— ♝ ♝ (@aalexandriabish) December 19, 2019
6.
I hope when I die they bury me alongside all my open Chrome tabs, like Tutankhamun among his treasures
— A Christmas Pjörk (@NicoleConlan) December 19, 2019
7.
anxiety: aren’t you like…worried?
me: about what?
anxiety: i don’t know
me: oh my god you’re right, thanks for reminding me
— ♡ (@IovelyAna) December 15, 2019
8.
when i’m having a great time at dinner but remember the weird way i pronounced “bolognese” when ordering pic.twitter.com/xAQS5yIHKV
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) December 16, 2019
9.
call me old fashioned but i believe marriage should be between one dog in a sweater and another dog in a matching sweater
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) December 19, 2019
10.
So the cats movie is just a recap of my 2019? https://t.co/BC7VZe1C0X
— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) December 20, 2019
11.
Me, drawing little x’s and o’s on a football field, indicating where I think players should hug and kiss
— winter jerk (@rajandelman) December 17, 2019
12.
A lot of people don’t know about politics cause history teachers be football coaches.
— cut it out (@lonthecelebrity) December 19, 2019
13.
hostess: how many people for your table?
me: like a trade?
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) December 17, 2019
14.
It turns out one of the most upsetting texts to get is just your first name followed by no punctuation or context
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 15, 2019
15.
the two kinds of protein bar:
super-snicker sized and called SHOTGUN KETO KILLA 300G OF KICK ASS TO FUEL YOUR RAGE
or
offwhite helvetica sleeve labeled “prot+”
both taste like peanut butter and toothpaste
— lauren (@LLW902) December 14, 2019
16.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
— Caitlin (@caithuls) December 18, 2019
17.
every holiday gift guide for men:
-whiskey stones
-record player
-grill accessories
-random book about sports
-bright patterned socks
-beard oil
-cooler with a built-in Bluetooth speaker
-a tool that fits on your keychain
-something made of wood— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) December 16, 2019
18.
Omg I’m Having a hard time decorating my new cribwhich one y’all think? pic.twitter.com/9tN5PpfYyB
— The (@tiffany_lenice) December 17, 2019
19.
This is fcking embarrassing but ive been sick so everyday on my lunch i go to subway for soup and they have it ready at the register at 2pm & today when i cut the sub line to pay some bitch gave me a look and the cashier was like “oh shes a regular” a reGULAR…at SUBWAY. new low
— kendra (@kendraaaleighh) December 18, 2019
20.
it’s the bitches who box dye their hair black that have been through the most
— ✰ samflower ✰ (@milkygoddess) December 17, 2019
21.
https://twitter.com/ambermruffin/status/1206958135858094080
22.
https://twitter.com/House_Feminist/status/1206309029623943168
23.
Adam Driver is like if you moved Baumbach from 11 to 18 font https://t.co/IBPqAENvbA
— Shelley Farmer (@ShelleyBFarmer) December 19, 2019