I didn’t have a dad and I am not a dad. Everything I know about fatherhood is from TV and my friends who have kids. TV really romanticizes it and makes me think I’m maybe missing out by not having children, but after talking to or hanging out with one of my dad friends I am reminded I love having money and being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 in the morning was almost definitely not a part of it.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 23, 2019
Having a 3yr old around is a bit like having the director’s commentary turned on for the movie that is your life.
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) May 13, 2019
Accidentally asked a conference room full of coworkers if they had to go potty before the meeting and my membership to the Parent Club auto-renewed itself.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 18, 2019
My 4yo asked why she couldn’t see the moon. I explained the moon’s placement in the sky and Earth rotation. Midway through my impromptu lecture, I heard her softly singing the finger family song. I stopped talking, she kept singing. I never answered her questions again.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) November 12, 2018
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
— Micah (@ParentalGrit) October 29, 2018
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 30, 2019
One thing the parenting books didn’t prepare me for is having to bring home a 200-pack of toilet paper every 48 hours
— The Dad (@thedad) May 2, 2019
3-year-old: *holds the remote for 2.5 seconds*
Me: *spends hours trying to get Netflix to not be in French*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2019
Just asked my 7 y.o. if I could be the person who chooses the hangman word and she said, “no. You already had your childhood.”
— Dan Goor (@djgoor) October 22, 2018
Me: I wonder what delights the world of parenting will offer me today?
My 6yo kid: [rubbing toothpaste over his hands as if it’s hand cream]
— Nine phils dancing (@geowizzacist) March 19, 2019
I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2019
Wife: Honey why do you always wear that one old tee shirt around the house? The neck is all stretched out.
10 month old: *grabs my tee shirt neck, hauls herself up, starts slapping my face and giggling*
Wife: …yes yes I see
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 7, 2019
This dad I saw at the park yesterday is every parent’s spirit animal. 😂 pic.twitter.com/MB5NTWYUT2
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) July 24, 2019
Congratulations on your child saying their first words.
Before you know it, you’ll be treated to such gems as, “I had to poop but I pushed it back in my butt so I don’t have to go anymore.”
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 14, 2019
Bounce off walls with relentless, destructive force.
Toddlers at playground:
Sit motionless on the swings screaming “HIGHER!!!” until both your arms, and will to live, are broken.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 10, 2019