Mike
You almost missed them, but I forgive you. You probably had a busy week, but it’s Friday now. Time to read funny tweets on company time. You deserve it, and honestly so do they.
1.
My homie got his daughter a Bentley for Christmas and we had to have her flex on everyone. pic.twitter.com/dpgW0nUeKG
— Jesse Skywalker (@perigo_jesse) January 9, 2020
2.
there is a wobbly stone in my neighborhood that I always step on in hopes of it opening up a nearby secret door, even though I know the potential for sudden arrows but so far nothing has happened : / pic.twitter.com/f5kuUYEbxz
— Nathan W. Pyle (@nathanwpyle) January 9, 2020
3.
look at this shit pic.twitter.com/KKyQ687Bel
— lex (@rllylexx) January 7, 2020
4.
any time I expand a woman’s tweet about anything there’s some guy in there saying “yeah…this didn’t happen.” all his other tweets are him Cussing about Sports. his name…is Jason. and he is what happens when Plato’s allegory of the cave takes place in a Buffalo Wild Wings
— kimmy (@ka_waltz) January 9, 2020
5.
1 minute before the museum closes pic.twitter.com/k3eWQoZ6vc
— COLiN BURGESS (@Colinoscopy) January 8, 2020
6.
I’ve heard of robots replacing physicians but this seems a bit of a stretch pic.twitter.com/9nB2VBt3Kf
— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) January 6, 2020
7.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
— rob, from online. 💻 (@robfromonline) January 8, 2020
8.
Dam i need me a freak like grandpa joe 🤭😳😏 pic.twitter.com/EDPSj8wKpn
— AJ MARROQUIN (@ajdeluxe_) January 8, 2020
9.
harry: we’re taking a break from royal life
simba: great idea! i met my best friends, a warthog and a meerkat, that way
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) January 9, 2020
10.
my coworker called in (yet again) and said she had a nail on her tire that caused her to have a flat. i need everyone to stop what they’re doing and ZOOM IN TO THE NAIL IN THE PICTURE SHE SENT MY BOSS pic.twitter.com/4NcJGuvF4F
— syd the kid (@sydneyywhitson) January 8, 2020
11.
DoorDash: Your food will be delivered in 45-60 minutes
Me: Better stare out the window the whole time just in case
— the drake gatsby 🐻 (@DrakeGatsby) January 8, 2020
12.
Turkish girl carrying a goat who just gave birth and the dog carrying the baby
(https://t.co/g0mGTL7ncR) pic.twitter.com/0r4zaxQS3y— 41 Strange (@41Strange) January 8, 2020
13.
Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS
— S.M. Vidaurri 💕 (@SMVidaurri) January 8, 2020
14.
imagine how fucken tragic it would be if u lived ur whole life between 1682 (invention of jelly) and 1895 (invention of peanut butter)
— randy (@leakypod) January 5, 2020
15.
IF YOU FOLLOW ME AND YOU LIVE IN THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP
— Minister of Loneliness (@_steamy_mac) January 1, 2020