Mike
The best of the best. The cream of the crop. The marshmallows in the Lucky Charms. The best tweets of the week.
1.
Fenn, my nearly 4 year old daughter, recorded her first ever solo song today. She came up with all the words herself and I helped her a little bit with the tune. It’s called ‘Dinosaurs in Love’. 🦕❤️🦕 pic.twitter.com/erCgG0sUvP
— Tom Rosenthal (@tomrosenthal) January 28, 2020
2.
If you drill 6 holes in a hot dog you can play it like a flute. You shouldn’t, though.
— mindflakes (@mindflakes) January 28, 2020
3.
i like it when people blur out pictures of babies faces, as if somebodys gonna recognize em on the street and call them out on their infant bullshit
— everett byram (@rad_milk) January 28, 2020
4.
*hit by a car*
*me opening up twitter*: Y’all… https://t.co/fqEOMHdgXZ
— ¿alex? (@hoemoticon) January 27, 2020
5.
My favorite game is trying to take something out of the refrigerator without moving the other items in front of it. I call it Refrigerator Jenga, and when you lose you clean up marinara for 40 minutes.
— the drake gatsby 🔨 (@DrakeGatsby) January 27, 2020
6.
why does every white woman have some type of treasure chest at the foot of her bed .. what are they hiding in there i don’t trust them
— i praydalor my sodakeep (@AlmondTiddies) January 27, 2020
7.
Much like the hermit crab, my house is my strength. Also, if I’m forced from it, exposing my soft, white, gelatinous ass, I begin to die
— ceej (@ceejoyner) January 26, 2020
8.
My eye doctor’s new patient form has a nickname section pic.twitter.com/omlcmyr2CA
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) January 27, 2020
9.
家族のためにニンジンを運ぶ父フタバ。器用だ😃 pic.twitter.com/XJYebvrCWK
— ちまちゃん (@nn930310) January 25, 2020
10.
when someone mentions potato skins pic.twitter.com/CXLgK23Nyr
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) January 27, 2020
11.
Spike Lee on Kobe (on Sportscenter): “He’d always tell me, the first time he’d see me, ‘Spike, the Knicks suck.'”
— Chris Vannini (@ChrisVannini) January 26, 2020
12.
my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear
— cam spence (@CamGurrrl) January 26, 2020
13.
my favorite thing about my girlfriend is that she puts her hair on the wall of the shower, so that when i shower i have a snack 🙂
— Tiger hat (@stillxremain) January 24, 2020
14.
There are currently three types of video game:
1) you are a special fighting shootboy who shoots things
2) oh I get it, it’s a metaphor for depression
3) nintendo
— Siobhan Thompson, mysterious European heiress (@vornietom) January 26, 2020
15.
There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 26, 2020