While Mike Primavera already does a pretty damn good job with his coed weekly funny tweet roundup, we also think that until women get paid as much as men, it’s our duty to single out funny female tweets. Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.
DISCLAIMER: the headline “23 Women Who Made Us Pee Our Pants Laughing This Week” is a bit misleading. Truth be told, no one makes us piss our pants. We do it because we like it.
1.
me, turning my wifi off & on again: i am a woman in STEM
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 23, 2020
2.
please don't drink cleaner it's how mischa barton died in the sixth sense
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 24, 2020
3.
4.
got a fridge full of bullshit leftovers i loathe and resent
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 22, 2020
5.
6.
The existence of the meatball sub implies that there also exists a meatball dom pic.twitter.com/kCiHCUnstE
— linds (@Lwowwy) April 21, 2020
7.
girl: I'm having heart surgery
kim jong un: it's ok, i'll be here after your surgery
(girl wakes up after surgery and sees a nurse)
girl: where is kim jong un? he said he'd be here!
nurse: who do you think gave you that heart— kt (owns a gun) (@kochsister) April 25, 2020
8.
i just injected myself with bleach, now we wa
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) April 24, 2020
9.
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
— Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017
10.
when my phone is charging to my computer but my computer isn’t plugged in, it feels like The Giving Tree, does this make sense
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 25, 2020
11.
You in his dms but I’m farting in his bed
— your wife (@yungsaat) April 21, 2020
12.
Old McDonald’s: now a farm https://t.co/2hCIGAaEhE
— Ben Bong (@Mrs_Foo_Cough) April 21, 2020
13.
14.
The 13th step in recovery should be taking back amends you made because you realized, in retrospect, you were right
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) April 25, 2020
15.
i’m in my landlord’s contacts as “freak on a lease”
— Lily Ebbott-Burg (@lilyebbottburg) April 20, 2020
16.
whether it's real or not, I do not care if ur kid said something inspiring. I DO care about the stuff they say that's straight up batshit. when my brother was 3 he thought blood was made of tiny crabs and they controlled hugs and he couldn't hug a lot bc the crabs would get tired
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) April 21, 2020
17.
to live a fulfilling life, you're supposed to regularly do things that scare you
my anxiety: NAILED IT
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 19, 2020
18.
Trying to start up a conversation with your significant other after 500+ hours of quarantine: pic.twitter.com/aNEw1IfrHZ
— Corrine. (@corrinedowlin) April 16, 2020
19.
Ah crap… pic.twitter.com/P4NNc95cgf
— Flora E Gill (@FloraEGill) April 22, 2020
20.
Did the virus write this? https://t.co/3AigQuF1aL
— Lindsay Beyerstein (@beyerstein) April 20, 2020
21.
feel like as soon as I get COVID-19 they'll release COVID-20 like a week later
— Siobhan Thompson, mysterious European heiress (@vornietom) April 24, 2020
22.
https://twitter.com/_LoveePiink3/status/1251862313210122240
23.
Good morning! Bring your B game today nobody cares!
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 20, 2015