Mike
Not a lot of funny jokes this week, and for good reason. I’ve peppered in the few good ones I found, but I’m gonna throw in some old favorites too. Stay as safe as you can out there ❤️
1.
bjork has overthrown the police https://t.co/iixedGLxY8
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) June 4, 2020
2.
Today I learned the tiny little whisk I assumed was a salad dressing whisk and have been using for about two years to make salad dressings is, in fact, a Christmas ornament.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) May 26, 2020
3.
Opened the internet to read the news and said "Oh, god, sorry" and quickly closed it like I'd walked in on a naked roommate.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 14, 2020
4.
Types of spiders:
-Shower lifeguard
-Windshield daredevil
-Big ol' son of a bitch
-Mailbox lurker
-Surprise—this is my bedroom now!— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 15, 2017
5.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
— Gretchen von Tongeln (@Metalligretch) June 15, 2017
6.
tv shows and movies could turn down the sound of the kissing like 50%
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 30, 2020
7.
[After losing a rap battle]
"How did he get a hold of my credit score?"— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
8.
This is how I bring an old bag of brown sugar back to life. pic.twitter.com/HFExI0LciI
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 30, 2020
9.
It’s refreshing to finally see some introspection from MJ pic.twitter.com/RPuJ5sWnBJ
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) May 18, 2020
10.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
— no (@punished_picnic) January 3, 2018
11.
https://twitter.com/Remixgodsuede/status/1268373310410240001?s=20
12.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
13.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands— Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 19, 2018
14.
Our reality right now feels like God trying out premises at an open mic
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 1, 2020
15.
ALRIGHT STOP
pull up your pants and listen
public parks are a bad spot for pissin
SOMETHING
grabs a hold of my shoulder
under arrest for indecent exposure— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 12, 2020
16.
me: hey how long was I asleep
coroner: HOLYFUCKSHIT
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) May 7, 2020
17.
said some terrible things about a coworker's newborn when she called it a "week old baby" and I thought we were roasting it
— ceej (@ceejoyner) October 26, 2018
18.
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 13, 2015
19.
My only current hobby and passion is tracking packages
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) April 8, 2020
20.
Just found out my wife’s been sleeping with her sex instructor
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) May 2, 2020
21.
Being a small account rocks. You can say anything: scoobing doo
— Trimple boy (@hippieswordfish) April 30, 2020
22.
why don't you just googoo it. wook it up on googoo.
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 3, 2013
23.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog— everett byram (@rad_milk) January 18, 2018
24.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 29, 2015
25.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) June 12, 2018