I’m sure you had time to read all the great tweets this week but just in case you didn’t here are the 25 best. Funny jokes are good medicine.
1.
if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay
— hot car gatorade (remix) (@local__celeb) May 24, 2020
2.
My Close Friends list is for only my most enduring friendships and also ten people I've never spoken to but I think have "good energy"
— walker (@walkercapl) May 24, 2020
3.
thinking about how cats are solar-powered… pic.twitter.com/l5nMFNv0NO
— holding giorno's hand🐞 @hiatus (@chisakanon) May 25, 2020
4.
unfortunately ill be thinking about this for the rest of my life pic.twitter.com/EUpxnMqjm1
— Danielle Betsy (@sistersome) May 25, 2020
5.
*books a quick flight to Kansas City*
*sprints from airport to this sign*
*gasps for breath*
so….does…your…mom pic.twitter.com/yFctv0GEUz— Dr. Bucky Isotope for President (@BuckyIsotope) May 25, 2020
6.
To all who have served a hot breakfast. pic.twitter.com/RPypJzcxSW
— Terry KY Proud Brown™️ (@TBrown_80) May 25, 2020
7.
My friend found a listing for an otherwise normal mcmansion that seemingly has a little…. fake… town (?) in the basement pic.twitter.com/0VFT6LDgoW
— Filthiest Poster Alive (@victoriaxxviii) May 27, 2020
8.
https://twitter.com/BrendanDaGawd/status/1264619887353139200?s=20
9.
drug dealer, nodding to me in passenger seat: is he cool
my dad: no not at all
— a bigger boat ⬛️ (@drankturpentine) May 25, 2020
10.
Knight Rider – had quite a few requests for this one and no wonder because it's a total banger pic.twitter.com/7C6Gq6Kn5u
— Samara Ginsberg (@samaracello) May 23, 2020
11.
The CDC recommends that you check yourself before you wreck yourself
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 22, 2020
12.
my ex unendorsed me for communication on linkedin
— Andrew Wang (@andrwwang) May 25, 2020
13.
Omg I’m Having a hard time decorating my new crib😩which one y’all think? pic.twitter.com/7nEwbSmNIm
— ☔️ (@flyaskae) May 25, 2020
14.
I never understood all the fuss around interfaith marriage. Then I watched my non-Jewish husband cut a bagel like this, and honestly, I get it now. pic.twitter.com/6W1rNw7S8R
— ShiraGold (@shirajgold) May 26, 2020
15.
I love them lil free plants outside walmart and home depot
— marx jane ☭ (@dykefataIe) May 25, 2020
16.
yeah you have to put the mask on. you gotta equip it. can't just have it in your inventory
— phil (@PhilJamesson) May 25, 2020
17.
To me, if you’re a “tea instead of coffee” person, you carry this purse pic.twitter.com/G2rz3hkhnA
— Gabbi Boyd (@GabbiBoyd) May 25, 2020
18.
the grocery store is coming out with some new groceries this year
— slick (@dlicj) May 25, 2020
19.
Gollum… Dobby… there was a time when buying a ticket to the movies meant you were about to see a truly disgusting little freak
— Zach Dunn (@zachbdunn) May 27, 2020
20.
6 week seminar on how to control your dreams once you get your master's degree you will be put in an induced coma for whatever time you choose to enter your controlled dream life contact Morgan if interested
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 26, 2020
21.
Computer: set password
Me: 2020
Computer: password is too long
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 29, 2020
22.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
— Boog (@BoogTweets) May 27, 2020
23.
i think its impressive to tweet something with 0 likes….. ur thought was original and unique and no one related to you
— words mean things (@a_busy_woman) May 26, 2020
24.
Still thinking about when I began an email to my tutor with "I hope you had a good weekend" and he just replied "Hi Alice, I didn't"
— Alice (@keatsfanclub) May 11, 2020
25.
haven’t been tweeting because i finished being mentally ill. good luck to the rest of you
— saint cignatius (@saintcignatius) May 11, 2020