Hannah
31.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
— Rads (@_radsy) April 19, 2018
32.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— SEO Speedwagon (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013
33.
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
34.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.— phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
35.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
36.
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: …*clenches fists
Mom: …don't!
Dad: *sweats profusely
Mom:
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD
— Guy Dangerous (@Lerky) October 24, 2015
37.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 25, 2013
38.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea— Political Science PhD (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
39.
https://twitter.com/BAKKOOONN/status/585949245229760512
40.
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM
— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
41.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying— Listen here Nomb Nuts (@dril) September 29, 2013
42.
*sees New Balance 609s hanging on wire*
"Gangs?"
Worse.. Dads.
"I'm scared"
*hears faint "hi scared, I'm dad" echoing through neighborhood*— luke [from online] (@internetluke) November 22, 2014
43.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/593121674171580416
44.
"So terribly sorry to hear of your ninety and nine problems." pic.twitter.com/S2zxEAhicd
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) December 9, 2014
45.
[losing badly in a contest]
guys its not a contest— daniel chamberlain (@amfmpm) November 18, 2015