The 50 Funniest Tweets Of All Time, Ranked
I joined Twitter back when it was a place where you could watch a total stranger ruin their life in real time and think, “God, what a beautiful website.”
I was there before the algorithm, before the blue checks meant nothing, before brands learned the word “bestie.” I texted my tweets to 40404 like a caveman. I watched the Fail Whale breach more often than I saw my own family.
And here’s the thing nobody under 25 will believe: original joke writing used to matter on that site. You’d spend forty-five minutes polishing a 140-character bit about, like, a raccoon with a mortgage, post it into the void, and get eleven faves from strangers who understood you better than your therapist. No screenshots of other apps.
No engagement-bait polls. Just people typing jokes with their bare hands, uphill, both ways.
So consider this my hall of fame. Fifty tweets, ranked from 50 down to 1, chosen by a guy who was there — and who is still, medically speaking, unable to log off. Are the rankings objective? Absolutely not. Will you disagree with my top 10? I hope so. That’s the most Twitter thing you could possibly do.
50. The Lettuce Incident (@Bentono10)
49. An Update on His Joints (@BobGolen)
48. Biometrics vs. Chicken Tenders (@TheDaltonHill)
47. The Router Reset (@PluckDaGreat)
46. A Very Specific Urge (@jynxbby)
45. A Historic Handshake (@adamgreattweet)
44. A Different Kind of Spot (@Noorthevirgo)
43. The Niece Understands the Assignment (@_lanabelle)
42. The 0:01 Maneuver (@ballerbaby____)
41. The Drive-Thru Epiphany (@clarabeepbeep)
40. The Parents’ House Time Zone (@joshgondelman)
39. The Toddler Speaks for All of Us (@missmulrooney)
38. Twitter Humor Does Not Travel (@colingotjokes)
37. Artists and Their Filenames (@oikvw)
36. Insult, Meet Injury (@sonohoor)
35. An Extremely Reassuring Pilot (@DivaLaci)
34. The Minus-One (@HeIsMaxBarth)
33. Grandma vs. Gluten (@PeachCoffin)
32. Another Meeting With HR (@khalidisit)
31. The Pickup Line, Reversed (@elle91)
30. Waiter, There’s a Man in My Soup (@davedittell)
29. A Theological Correction (@iky_fwjett)
28. The Fruit Fly Paradox (@michele1ok)
27. The Bartender Knows Exactly What He’s Doing (@_elvishpresley_)
26. Date Etiquette (@ch000ch)
25. Outsmarting the Therapist (@ElyKreimendahl)
24. The Moon Gets Jealous (@jonnysun)
23. Hospital Room, Nautical Theme (@Miles_Mandel)
22. Dad’s Rules on Crying (@ma1ybe)
21. The Handwriting Reveal (@yeeeerika)
20. A Breakthrough in Television (@rad_milk)
19. Two Men, One Name, Zero Spellings in Common (@mtobey)
18. The Spider Has Ambitions (@FattMernandez)
17. Advice From a Potted Plant (@httpsosweet)
16. An Icebreaker From the Boss (@gracecamille_)
15. Sibling Diplomacy (@manwelllb_)
14. The Dateline Objection (@omgskr)
13. A Dog Named Kevin (@decentbirthday)
12. Inspiring CEO News (@gilbertjasono)
11. The Truth About Kevin McCallister (@itrevormoore)
10. The Hourglass Retirement Plan (@mariana057)
9. The Pope Understands Trigonometry (@deedydas)
8. A Man Who Has Definitely Read the Book (@david8hughes)
7. There’s a Word for That (@smellypastagirl)
6. Grandma, the Rap Battle Is Over (@ch000ch)
5. The Dog Park Negotiation (@NicCageMatch)
4. The Ultimate Insult, Explained (@skullmandible)
3. The Correction (@dril)
2. The Torment Nexus (@AlexBlechman)
1. The Budget (@dril)
That’s the list. Number one was never in doubt — there’s a reason it’s the closest thing this godforsaken website ever had to a national anthem. If your favorite didn’t make the cut, congratulations: you now have a reason to yell at a stranger online, which is the whole point of the platform. Drop your all-time favorite in the comments, and if it’s better than my number one, I will politely explain why you’re wrong.