I just found one of my hairs on my dog. Well well well, how the tables hath turnedeth!.

30 Funny Tweets From Women Who Really Had A Way With Words This Week

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I love telling myself I’m going to check my phone “real quick.” Such an optimistic little phrase. I’ve never meant anything more in the moment and been more wrong twenty minutes later. Usually, I emerge knowing something I didn’t need to know about a person I’ve never met. This week, at least, I came back with jokes.

The women on my timeline were especially funny, and I saved the best ones here so you can enjoy them without taking the same scenic route through the internet. Consider this the part of my scrolling that I can reasonably describe as work.

1.

Every gift guide is like Perhaps a $100 Mahogany Spoon Rest for Mom? and for Dad, a bottle of bour​​.
via twitter

2.

Of course I’m fun, babe. I got us tickets to see that three hour long documentary on Saturday at 9am.
via twitter

3.

I just found one of my hairs on my dog. Well well well, how the tables hath turnedeth!.
via twitter

4.

Sometimes you meet your friend’s new bf and think: He must be pretty cool in a way that is simplynot.
via twitter

5.

Maia tweet about John Muffin and inventing a ‘bit’ for muffins, casual text appears on a white card.
via twitter

6.

Rage Against the Automaton tweet about a cat yowling because the sun moved and the napping spot is g.
via twitter

7.

“Omg, I just saw your text” Me with a screen time of 14 hours.
via twitter

8.

Lori - Breaker of Curfews tweet: My dad called and told me about a rash he has and I just don’tthink.
via twitter

9.

Mariana Z tweet about brushing teeth with me; 9 of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't help toothy.
via twitter

10.

I'm at Ross anybody need this True Religion pregnancy test??.
via twitter

11.

Alice Mills tweets: I got a job at the comb factory. It’s part time.
via twitter

12.

If you hold the sole of your foot to your ear, you can hear the sound of your hip dislocating.
via twitter

13.

Sana tweet about a dog in a car rearview; text on screen says Check surroundings; dog looks out of a.
via twitter

14.

Emily may tweet about her youngest upset and asking why it was happening with text: UPSET ABOUT WHAT.
via twitter

15.

Katie_mod er tweet about beekeeping: the worst part about being a beekeeper is kissing all 30,000?be.
via twitter

16.

When I’m at a store and I grab something, I will never grab the first item. I’ll grab the one behind.
via twitter

17.

A guy using a cane got onto the train and as I started to stand up to give him my seat he went “oh b.
via twitter

18.

Omfg I just saw someone say that the only thing that didn’t turn blue in this election was the refk-.
via twitter

19.

Raising Cane’s rly wants me to walk up to the cashier and ask for a three finger combo with a straig.
via twitter

20.

I wish there was a navigation app with an option like “longer route, but less brutal…”.
via twitter

21.

Wait chat im so cooked the giant wii remote i bought from the nintendo museum doesnt fit in my suitc.
via twitter

22.

Savannah Vinson tweet: NYC will have you saying “it’s only $18” about something that should cost $6.
via twitter

23.

My 10yo keeps sighing heavily and telling me I have too many tabs open, if anyone is I.
via twitter

24.

Last night at the club a girl was twerking on the floor and a half eaten subway sandwich fell out.
via twitter

25.

I was on the train sitting on one of the fold-down handicap seats and I'm wearing a satin dress so I.
via twitter

26.

Bebos Shenanigans tweet: 'flying cars but not a single functional strapless bra'.
via twitter

27.

Obsessed with Pottery Barn Teen's 'boy gender ceiling lighting' section.
via twitter

28.

Dana donnelly tweet about ordering wine, hold ID up to light, hologram, celebrate with a shot.
via twitter

29.

Kristen Arnett tweet: "chase sapphire would be such a beautiful name for a baby girl".
via twitter

30.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a task, hoping it completes itself.
via twitter