16 Obvious Patient Lies That Doctors Saw Right Through
I gotta be honest, I lie to the doctor sometimes. I doubt I’m the only one. I remember the last time my doctor asked me how much I drink. I said “four,” leaving it up to her to interpret. Four per day? Four per month? Four months sober? I answered the question. Any follow-ups are on her.
Of course I’m trying to lose weight too, Doc. I go to the gym three times per week. Honest.
I know what I need to work on. I’m just hoping we can get through the appointment.
The patients in these stories had some pretty obvious lies of their own. Unfortunately for them, it’s harder to sell your story when you’ve still got powdered sugar on your face.
1. Bluey Would Like A Lawyer
“Pediatrician here. Toddlers aren’t brilliant liars.
‘Did you put the bead in your nose?’
2-year-old: ‘No!’
‘So where is the bead from this bracelet?’
2-year-old: ‘I don’t know!’
Two minutes later, after extracting said bead from said nose: ‘How did this get up there?’
2-year-old: [thinks for a bit] ‘Bluey put it there!'”
— isobizz
2. Apparently, The Fan Had A Drug Problem
“One of my favorites from my internship was when I admitted a guy for chest pain. His workup was entirely negative except for cocaine on a urine drug screen. I told him, ‘The good news is you didn’t have a heart attack. Most likely you’re having chest pain from the cocaine.’ The patient said, ‘I don’t do cocaine. I was at a party where other people were doing cocaine, but I wasn’t. However, I walked past a table where they had lines of cocaine laid out and there was an oscillating fan going, and as I walked past, it blew it up my nose.'”
3. The Powdered Sugar Was Willing To Testify
“The most obvious lie? I had a patient tell me in pre-op, before a surgery for which he was supposed to be fasting, ‘I haven’t had anything to eat or drink today.’ His mouth was absolutely rimmed in powdered sugar. There was a donut bag sticking out of his bag. Pretty freaking obvious.”
4. She Gave Up Salt, With A Few White Castle Exceptions
“‘Oh I gave up salt last year for my blood pressure’ while literally reaching for her second White Castle slider during our conversation. The cheese fries were gone by then.”
— Anonymous
5. That Birthday Party Had Been Going For A While
“During COVID, we did a lot of telemedicine. People were used to just living their lives on video anyway, and it was pretty surreal. I’d have to ask people not to get dressed in their walk-in closet while we were trying to do a visit — things like that. My favorite was asking someone how much he was currently drinking, and he told me that he stopped drinking a long time ago. He was in his bedroom, sitting on his bed, surrounded by bottles of beer and liquor. Some were half empty, most were empty, and some had leftover beer in them. So I asked him how to explain the ‘late on a Saturday night bar tableau,’ and he said, ‘Well, that was just one time because it was my birthday.’ I had to explain that I was looking at his chart, and his birthday was like 10 months ago.”
— jrpg8255
6. Somehow, The Cover Story Was More Embarrassing
“A patient asked for STI testing. His story for possible exposure was that he had to poop at a friend’s house and realized the friend had no toilet paper, so he used his bath towel to wipe, and later found out the friend had an STI. I asked why he would do that instead of yelling to his friend for toilet paper. He said that his friend wasn’t home. I asked why he wouldn’t have just cleaned with water or something in the shower. He couldn’t answer that. I am not here to judge patients, but why would you wipe your poop on your friend’s bath towel!? A few minutes later, he admitted that it hadn’t happened, and he had just cheated on his girlfriend. Like sir, please just say that. You are not going to get STIs from a towel, but you will make me concerned about your judgment.”
— RPAS35
7. His Shirt And Tattoo Had A Different Story
“Patients lie to me about drug use daily. My most recent favorite was the guy who swore up and down he’d never ever used any drugs, including marijuana. Except he had a tattoo of a marijuana leaf, was wearing a shirt espousing marijuana use, and reeked of pot smoke. I pointed that out to him, and he had the grace to look completely abashed. Yes, his drug screen was positive for THC.”
8. A Very Unfortunate Salad Accident
“A patient was brought to the ER. He was allegedly naked in his bedroom making a salad when he accidentally sat on an upright cucumber.”
9. The Doctor Had Some Questions About How They Lifted That TV
“I’m not a doctor, but I once pulled something in my groin/hip because my husband and I were a little too amorous, and I wasn’t as flexible as I had thought. I went to the ER because I couldn’t walk with my right leg, and the pain was ridiculous. I pathetically tried to explain it away with ‘I was lifting a TV.’ I was actually really worried they were going to try and paint my husband as abusive, but to our embarrassment, the doctor half-heartedly ‘simulated’ the motion in which I described ‘lifting a TV’ to pull a muscle in my groin/hip…he was fairly spot on. I got painkillers and muscle relaxers and had to wait for it to heal. We have an everlasting story that comes up from time to time, and we laugh about it a lot.”
10. Two Hours Later, There Was A Significant Update
“A woman in the emergency department had intermittent abdominal pain and a distended abdomen. She’d arrived with her girlfriend and insisted that she can’t be pregnant, as they are a same-sex couple and she’d had no recent male sexual partners. She gave birth to a pre-term baby 2 hours later.”
11. It Helps If The Doctor Didn’t Just Watch You Do It
“A diabetic patient that I watched chug a half-liter of orange soda: ‘It has been weeks since I’ve touched a pop.'”
12. The Waiting Room Vending Machine Had Some Evidence
“Nurse here. ‘I’ve been sticking to my diet and exercising but my blood sugars are staying high all the time’ says the diabetic patient who I just saw buy a damn Snickers from the vending machine in the waiting room.”
13. The Performance Fell Apart During The Eye Exam
“My parents run a construction store. One day, this staff member didn’t want to work, so she ‘fainted.’ People started panicking and took her to the doctor. When the doctor tried to open her eyes to examine the pupil, she basically rolled them so the doctor couldn’t see it. The doctor then kinda poked her, telling her to wake up.”
14. The Dentist Was Already Looking At The Evidence
“It’s even worse when you’re a dentist. Like, bruh, it’s not enough that all the cells of your body are emanating cigarette stench. Now you’re opening your literal mouth for examination and lying. ‘My roommate smokes,’ or ‘I quit months ago,’ — your mouth tells a different story, partner, but I guess it’s your life.”
15. That Was An Educational Day For The Junior Doctor
“A junior doctor had a guy come in with an STI. The guy claimed he had not engaged in any sexual activity for a long time. When pressed, he finally admitted he had been engaging in some ‘light fisting.’ The doctor didn’t know what that was and had to ask his colleagues. It took him a long time to live that down.”
16. The Bloodwork Had Its Own Version Of Events
“We had a patient with tremendous degeneration of the liver, and his blood analysis told us he had been drinking heavily for at least the last 6 months, despite being instructed that it could definitely destroy what he had left of his liver. Most people still don’t know we can check daily alcohol consumption in the long term. The same thing goes for diabetic people and sugar.”