15 Twitter Jokes Everyone Should Read
One of the high points of my week is sifting through Twitter and putting together this list of funny tweets. Now, you might be thinking, “Wow, Mike. Pretty sad a high point of your week is putting together a Twitter list.” Well, yeah. Shit’s not going great for me right now, but it’s the little things that get me through the day, and to be honest I don’t need your judgment. Maybe if you put a little positivity out there the world wouldn’t be such a USED DIAPER FIRE.
I’m sorry. Susan, please come back. I’m so lonely. I miss you.
1.
If you have $500,000 to blow on your two kids who aren't going to get into college, have some respect and invest it in a doomed recording career that will yield one terrible single the rest of us can make fun of forever.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 12, 2019
2.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2014
3.
Don't get a dog to see if you wants kids. Get a giant incontinent bear who just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo.
— Heather B. Hamilton (@dooce) February 9, 2012
4.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 28, 2014
5.
https://twitter.com/jazz_inmypants/status/1105847492934094848
6.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/524512817735794688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E524512817735794688&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fpleated-jeans.com%2F2019%2F04%2F26%2Fbest-jokes-on-twitter%2F
7.
https://twitter.com/InternetHippo/status/962880309145595904
8.
https://twitter.com/jaboukie/status/1105595843120414721
9.
Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 16, 2016
10.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
— Madison (@madisonbosil) April 21, 2019
11.
The dumb bitch community is a diverse and wide ranging group, while we each identify as a dumb bitch, we are individuals who don't all conform into one dumb bitch archetype. For example, I can do some math, but should never own a cactus.
— GL (@gldivittorio) March 11, 2019
12.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
— Ian of the Sea (@ianpauldukes) March 10, 2019
13.
There needs to be a governing body in charge of how much introductory banter you’re allowed to have on your podcast
— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) March 11, 2019
14.
https://twitter.com/Manglewood/status/1104542598235152384
15.
https://twitter.com/moongrudge/status/1009871815085305858