How To Prove The Existence of Bigfoot Once and For All

Despite the overwhelming evidence of Bigfoot, Yeti and Sasquatch, many skeptics continue to deny the existence of this shy and intelligent creature. Well, Mr. Scientist, I just have one question for you: If Bigfoot doesn’t exist, then how come WE ALL KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE!?

Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to move on to the real question: If Bigfoot exists, and is indeed so big, then why are a bunch of shaky video clips the best evidence we have of its existence?

bigfoot-proof3The question largely answers itself. Bigfoot is HUGE – estimated to weigh well over 500 lbs. The movements of such a massive beast undoubtedly cause the ground to literally shake beneath its feet. Which begs yet another question: have you ever tried to use a camera during an earthquake? Because that’s exactly what trying to film a Bigfoot is like! After a few seconds of that Richter scale, it’s no wonder the footage comes to an abrupt and unfocused stop.

Incidentally, this is why if you ever view a video that is suspiciously stable, you should immediately discount it as a HOAX!

So obviously, the Bigfoot has adapted a highly effective mechanism for avoiding the Paparazzi, which makes it more evolved then any “human” celebrity (though that’s not saying much).

If we can’t film or photograph the majestic Bigfoot, then how do we go about catching one? We don’t. The Bigfoot is just too intelligent to ever fall for any of our feeble attempts to capture it. Snare traps, wooden cages, catapults – these are simple traps built for catching simple animals. And Bigfoot is no simple animal.

Simply put, everyone needs to go ahead and stop looking for Bigfoot…and start looking for ways to bring Bigfoot to us!

After years of trying to connect with Bigfoot, it should be painfully obvious that the Bigfoot wants nothing to do with us. And why should he? Look at the way he is portrayed in newspapers, the movies and everywhere else? If I were him, I’d be more than reluctant to come down out of the woods, too.

As such, the goal of cryptozoologists should be to take steps that make the non-wooded world more Bigfoot-friendly. By doing so, the Bigfoot will eventually leave the safety of nature to explore the welcoming urban jungle below. Potential ways to entice the Bigfoot out of their hiding places include:

-Expanding retail store hours so they are “nocturnal friendly”
-Carrying larger shoe sizes at athletic stores
-Embracing the beauty of facial hair (you too, ladies)
-Increasing the availability of certain foods (i.e. wild berries and deer carcasses)
-Installing larger seating in airplanes

With these and other initiatives, the existence of Bigfoot will eventually be proven once and for all. Our mighty missing link will eventually filter down into the human world and become a loveable addition to our society. And if we’re really, really lucky, he’ll bring the unicorn with him.

Left-Handed FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

What percentage of people are left-handed?

Somewhere around 10 percent of the total population, making left-handers one of the smallest minority groups in America.

An anti left-handed political cartoon, circa 1890
An anti left-handed political cartoon, circa 1890

And though great strides have been made towards left-handed equality (we are no longer burned at the stake for witchery) and petitions are being circulated, it is clear lefties still face much oppression as they attempt to live in the “right man’s world.” African-Americans overcame slavery. Women overcame the vote. And one day, I am hopeful, us lefties will overcome those notebooks with the spirals on the wrong side that get in the way when we’re writing.

What should I call a left-handed person?

Friend springs to mind, though nicknames such as lefty and southpaw are probably more what you had in mind. Plenty of other, less common names have been used to describe left-handers throughout the ages, including:

Leftus Metacarpus
Sinistral
Cutty Wifter
Golly Handed
Devil’s Clutch
Ol’ Opposite Fin
Benevolent Master
Sinister Jeff

Will You List Some Famous Left-Handers?

NO!

Are left-handers more creative than right-handers?

A lot of people seem to claim this, but I don’t buy it. Why? Because if it were true, I’d be able to come up with a clever punch line for that setup.

I once heard Richard Nixon say that all lefties are “lazy and good for nothing.” Is he right?

No, he is not right. Left is right! Ha! Okay, sorry, just a little joke for all my Sinister Jeffs out there. Seriously though, this is a stereotype that has arisen largely due to the lack of left-handed equipment made available by employers. For example, I used to work as a chef, but was fired because the kitchen only had right-handed knives, which resulted in a slower chopping speed when compared to my fellow broccoli chefs. Of course, my boss avoided a discrimination lawsuit by claiming I was fired because I took a dump in the cream sauce (which I did, but come on, that’s just funny).

Are left-handers smarter than right-handers?

Oh, you right-handers and your insecurities. Only you would feel the need to ask such a ridiculous question. Obviously, the answer is yes.

4 out of the last 5 presidents were left-handed. Is this part of a vast left-handed conspiracy to overthrow the United States government, forcibly remove all righties from their homes and ship them to Oklahoma so that lefties can turn the remaining 49 “clean” states into a lefty-friendly Utopia known as Leftsylvania?

No. Of course not. That’s absurd. Who told you that? Was it Jeremy? Because you can’t believe a word that guy says. He’s a liar, plain and simple. Besides, even if we were somehow able to acquire the 300,000 shipping containers needed to ship EVERY SINGLE right-hander to Oklahoma, there’d be no way to get them all there efficiently without a massive improvement to railway infrastructure across the entire southwestern region of the United States. Ha! Yeah, so unless you can answer that little logistics problem, I don’t want to hear from you.

What I Want

I want that annoying girl to leave me alone. I want her to stop calling my cell phone, to stop showing up at my front door and to stop asking why I “married her in the first place.”

I want a job that pays good money. Or bad money. As long as there’s a lot of it, I don’t guess it matters.

I want digital cable with all the movie channels. And a flat-screen TV that I can watch it on. And a wall mount to put the TV on. And a house with a wall to put the wall mount on. And also, a pair of human eyes so I can see the movies.

I want a fat suit. You know, for “impressing girls.”

I want to adopt a child. I wouldn’t be too picky, just so long as it was healthy and happy. And white.

I want to invent a new kind of cereal. One that’s healthy, made with bran and has just the right amount of natural sweetness. Maybe from raisins. Like, two scoops of them in every box. And maybe the mascot for the cereal could be, like, a cartoon sun with “cool” sunglasses on. And on the box he’s holding the raisins, one in each arm. And both of the raisins are real sexy cartoon girl raisins, and the sun is making out with both of them. You know, because the raisins are “sun-kissed?” Mr. Kellogg’s should really call me back about this idea.

I want a tuxedo for special occasions. Like my funeral.

I want a really big, fancy dinner with a 10-lb. turkey and all the trimmings. And by trimmings, I mean another, smaller turkey (for garnishing).

Let’s Go Berry Picking!

Go ahead – ask me! Ask me what I want to do today! No? Okay, then I’ll just come out and say it – LET’S GO BERRY PICKING!!

Too early? No way, Jose! This is it – the FIRST day of the season. It’s been a few agonizing months, but those little berries are finally ripe for the picking! And I don’t know about you, but my thumb and forefinger are just itching to pluck those plump, juicy berries right from the vine!

What kind of berries? Does it even matter!? Well, okay mister. It was supposed to be a surprise, but if you really must know – ALL OF THEM!! That’s right, you’re talking to the king of berry picking right here. I made some calls, asked around, and I found a field that has it all – strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, EVEN HUCKLEBERRIES!

No need to thank me – seeing the gigantic smile on your face after you haul in your first basket of berries will be all the thanks I need!

Go see a movie? What? You’re kidding me, right? Is it about berries? Oh wait, I get it! You’re just nervous because it’s your first time! Well don’t worry, because you’re gonna be picking berries with a pro.

I know all the secrets. For example, I recommend dropping each berry into your basket one by one right after you pick it. Why? Because picking all those berries is gonna get you pretty excited. And all that excitement is gonna have you going pretty crazy. And when you’re jumping up and down and waving your fists in the air (which will be often), you don’t want to end up with a bunch of squished berries in your hands!

Here, take this sun hat. What? You don’t want it? I don’t think you understand, this hat isn’t just for looking cool. And believe me, I’m not gonna have the pity, let alone the time, to stop and console you when you come crying to me about how the glare from the sun is slowing down your berry picking! No? Why?…Just take it in case…Fine.

I’ll just put it in the back of the car for when you change your mind.

Oh, and you’ll probably want to go ahead and bring a light jacket, because we’re gonna be there ALL DAY and it can get kind of chilly come nightfall. No, you won’t be hot the rest of the day! Just tie that bad boy around your waist and let it all hang out. That’s what the cool kids are gonna be doing!

Alright then, which basket do you want? Square wicker or oval wicker? Oval? Really? You sure? That square one looks pretty rad. I bet that sucker holds a heck of a lot of berries. No? Alright here, you go. Oval it is.

You know what? On second thought, that oval basket may be too advanced for you. It could tip over, causing all your berries to go everywhere. Boy, what a mess that would be! Really!? You’ll take square? Yay! THAT MEANS I GET OVAL!!!

Okay, that’s enough chitchat. It’s a 3-hour drive to the field, so get your taste buds ready and LET”S GO BERRY PICKING!!

Good Surprise, Bad Surprise

Good surprise: waking up to the smell of freshly baked pancakes.
Bad surprise: realizing you’re in jail with a pending DWI and your cellmate used all the syrup.

Good surprise: coming home to see that your friends have cooked you a spaghetti dinner.
Bad surprise: Carol left the gas stove on and everyone’s dead.

Good surprise: finding out you’re in the will of a newly discovered relative.
Bad surprise: the relative is a healthy newborn niece and will likely die long after you do. Unless…

Good surprise: leaving the Taco Cabana drive-thru, you find an extra taco in your food bag.
Bad surprise: the taco was meant for the Toyota Corolla behind you. The driver? Fidel Castro. The secret sauce? Arsenic.

Good surprise: after years of auditions, you are finally cast in a blockbuster movie attached to a well-known director.
Bad surprise: the director is Uwe Boll.

Good surprise: you crash through the roof of a house, but a mattress breaks your fall and you survive unscathed.
Bad surprise: you interrupted the nap of Umgunti, king of the cannibal tribe.

Good surprise: you win tickets to see your favorite band perform live in concert.
Bad surprise: everyone laughs at you when you tell them your favorite band is Mr. Mister.

Childhood Memories

My first kiss was in 1st grade. I was playing Go Fish with this girl named Sandy, when all of sudden she leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. I liked it, but for weeks after I kept wondering if she’d given me Cooties. Of course, that’s ridiculous. The cold sores should have been a dead give away that it was Herpes.

My earliest memory is about getting ready to go fishing at Lake Whitney with my dad. I remember eating waffles, having my first taste of coffee and asking my dad if I could sit on his lap and drive part of the way. He said, “you’re 16 now, why don’t I just sit in the seat next to you?” I guess I wasn’t thinking straight because it was 4:30 a.m. I don’t think I’ll ever have an earlier memory than that.

In the 4th grade I challenged Ricky Fitzsimmons to a fight. My best friend Tommy thought I was crazy. “Are you kidding? That guy’s as big as my house,” I remember him saying. “That may be true,” I said. “But I’m bigger than that cardboard box you live in, so I think I can take him.”

Even from a young age, my sister always wanted to help people. She was always helping mom with the dishes or dad with the trash. She was so enthusiastic about the whole thing, one time she even came up with a Helping Cheer. I forget how the words went (she said “Help!” a lot), but with her arms flailing and that water flying everywhere, I can vividly remember how funny the whole thing looked from the beach!

When I was three, my mom took me with her to the beauty salon and I burned my hand on a curling iron. It hurt at the time, but I guess it was worth it. My mom never asked me to curl her hair again.

One time, I found a dog in my neighborhood and brought it home. I begged my dad to let me keep it, but he didn’t want to hear it. “He’ll just lay around all day and smell up the house,” he told me. “So,” I replied. “He may be dead, but he’s still fun to pet!”

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